A Curious Absence of Fear

There's a poem by Robert Burns titled "To a Mouse", which contains a famous line that in simple English translates to:

"But little Mouse, you are not alone,
In proving foresight may be vain:
The best laid schemes of mice and men
Go often askew,
And leave us nothing but grief and pain,"

Fun fact: This poem is the inspiration for the John Steinbeck novel. Another fun fact: Robert Burns wrote the poem, "Auld Lang Syne" which is the basis for the sad song everyone sings on New Years'.

Now, I talk about this because I have a heck of a lot of events coming up. I'm starting senior year, prepping for that (hopefully!) hiking trip to Scotland, prepping for my Grad school applications and grad school itself, which would involve a massive uprooting of my life and moving somewhere out west... I'm on the brink of a massive life transition. Moving to Undergrad felt risky and unsafe and new... and now it feels like childs' play compared to what I need to do.

But here's the thing... if you know me, you know how much of a planner I am. I always play it safe, never take risks, according to my friend, I never jump without knowing I have a safe place to land. But with all of this? I'm not afraid. I'm not worried. It worries me how NOT worried I am. I just want to go out and do it!

I was talking to my friend, Nick, about this Scotland trip. He went when he was a freshman. After learning it's a 98 mile trek, I remember drowning in my own excitement, eagerness, or restlessness. I started looking up incredible hiking boots. :P I know 98 miles may be torture at times, but I WANT it. I CRAVE it. Years, maybe even as little as months ago, I would be worried and scared and timid... My anxiety would twist and turn all the cons into massive, insurmountable obstacles. Not this time.

See, I'm the equivalent of the mouse Robert Burns was referring to. I planned out my life to the point where everything was safe and accounted for. The plan was there, I just had to live it out. Well... they went askew. I did everything I possibly could, with as much diligence as I could, and I still watched part of my life fall apart in front of me.

A wise professor once told me (while I was crying in her office) that there is a certain freedom and relief in realizing that every life situation, even those that we take to be stable, has the chance of ending or suddenly falling apart. As someone who craves stability and plans everything, I hated it when she said that. But as I'm preparing for my future, and just trying to live it without knowing what the final product is going to look like, I can finally appreciate all the merit and truth in her words.

I don't have everything planned out. I have a strategy, but very few expectations of what it will look like, or sound like, or smell like, or taste like, when I'm in Scotland or Seattle. I'm just taking every day as it comes.

The last line of the poem? "And forward, though I cannot see. I guess and fear!" That's where I differ from Burn's narrator. I guess and hope and look forward to it all. Come what may.

Be well,

Megan

Embracing Rain

It's been a while since I've blogged. But tonight I have an anxious brain, so maybe this will help. And maybe I'll entertain someone who's also up later than they intended to be.

I hate rain. Lately though, my life feels like it has contained a lot of it--both literally and figuratively--and it might continue to do so. It feels like the last two months have been some of the worst and best of my life. I'm still healing. I would be being dishonest if I said I still wasn't experiencing a lot of hurt and sadness over my breakup with Nicole. I've always been someone who feels and loves intensely. I've had to learn a lot of things throughout this entire experience, some that I never wanted to, or never thought I would have to. There's a pretty sharp learning curve to suddenly going from being 1/2 of what you thought and hoped was a strong duo, to being single. It's been hard, but as a friend told me, the most important life lessons are both the hardest and easiest to learn.

There are definite silver linings, and some of that learning is easy and wonderful and new. There's something beautiful and redeeming in being so open and so vulnerable. I won't say there's beauty in being shattered. I was never shattered, even though I thought I was for a short time. I was just a bit bruised up. But even so, I am so happy and glad that I allowed my heart to be open, and if anything, it feels even more so now. I have never, ever regretted it. An open heart leaves you vulnerable to the worst that life can throw at you, but it also lets in the most amazing things--people, music, anything and everything incredible to experience. Lately I want to experience everything and connect with everyone. I want to form every thought and opinion straight from my own experiences. And, I want to jump into said experiences with openness. So far it has allowed me to connect with incredible people in ways I didn't let myself before. There's a weight and a great deal of meaning that comes with knowing that you are completely responsible and in control of your own life, and for me, that also comes with the incredible desire to be happy, content, and proud of who I am as a person and of how I connect with other people. Sticking with the honesty of this post, I do feel that way--more than ever before.

Back to the rain idea. There's a lot of built up desire and momentum in me, and there are a lot of dreams I not only want to chase, but want to actually catch. I feel drawn to Seattle for my grad work, even though I hate rain. I dunno, I just really want someplace big, and liberal, and full of amazing coffee and seafood. Oh, and an ocean. That sounds awfully nice as well. If Seattle doesn't happen, other possibilities include Portland, San Francisco, and Denver. I just need an adventure I think. I need hard work and late nights and city lights and to feel small and large at the same time.

More immediately, I am dead set on doing everything I can to go to Scotland in October. It's pretty much walking across Scotland for a week and sleeping at B&Bs. I just want that really long walk! I want to reach the end and be proud of that mental and physical accomplishment. I was told I would need a good pair of hiking boots and a high quality rain coat. Once again, I hate rain...or... hated rain. There are other things too--I kind of really want to take piano lessons on an impulse. I want to be on stage and act again, even if it's for a 10 minute scene. I want to have a psychology honors thesis next Spring. I want to hit the gym this summer. I want to present at MBLGTACC in Normal, Illinois in February. I want to say screw it and actually sing at a karaoke bar. And, maybe I want to drink a little too much one night while watching Golden Girls with incredible friends.

I want to live in a way that allows me to feel everything, but I don't want that to be a temporary desire I'm just feeling now as I'm 21 (soon to be 22). I want to live that way forever. I want to be open, accepting, and vulnerable to every heartache, every perfect song on the radio, every anxiety attack, and every moment of pure loving kindness.

I want to be able to embrace every single raindrop.

Live an epic life. I'm trying to.

-Megan