A Good Kind of Pain

Reader, I'm procrastinating on a philosophy take-home final that I've discovered will take me forever.  Not joking.  6 hardcore essay questions worth 50 points each.  It counts for 25% of my class grade.  I wish that was all I had to worry about, but unfortunately I have a Sociology exam and Cognitive Psych final to worry about before I make my journey home on Saturday.

I've been dealing with a bit of pain all day.  I slept fine, and didn't get too bruised up from taking down my loft and putting the bunk back up--no this isn't anything like that.  This is heartache, complete and utter heartache.  With how busy we've been over the last three weeks, there's been no time to simply let the facts sink in. This is all coming to a sudden and abrupt end whether we feel ready for it or not, and believe me, I don't feel ready for it.  At all. Crap... here come the teary eyes.

As much as this hurts, I'm so glad it does.  I sometimes disagree with the old cliché "No pain, no gain" but this is a good pain, such a good pain.  My heart is aching in the most wonderful way because it means I don't want to leave, that I have found a home here.  It means that all of this, and I mean ALL of this feels right.  I ache because of memories, because I won't laugh until I cry nearly as often.  Usually, pain means something is wrong, and in this case it means that something right is coming to an end.  It's perhaps, the absence of what is right.

There are horror stories out there where individuals experience maladaptive pain reception/response and their lives are a constant struggle of self-awareness to figure out if anything is wrong.  Parents of these individuals often say they'd give anything for their child to feel pain.  Like I said, this pain means something good is changing, and that's not to say summer will be bad, but here has become home and leaving home is always so bittersweet...

It's like, do you ever feel like the pieces are starting to fall into place, even if you can't quite tell what the end result will be?  That's how I feel.  I'm practically giddy with the feeling that we're hurling towards something good.  I just don't know what it'll be yet.  All I know is that I get that feeling here.  I've never laughed so hard for so long, nor have I felt such a sense of solidarity and belonging like I do in certain situations being here has allowed me to experience.

As I type this, there's a rabbit sitting 3 feet outside my window... it's munching on the most tender dandelions, but it's chewing well over a mile a minute and often freezes.  I just want it to relax.  I want it to slow down and take a look around and appreciate this moment, to know that it's all going to be okay.  The trees on campus are in full bloom and the scent is breathtaking, literal in more ways than one, but the allergies are totally worth the beauty.

Even though it is finals week and I'm procrastinating on the philosophy final, life is good.  This pain is good.  Ripping apart the web that has formed here is good, because like muscles, these connections only grow stronger by being shredded and allowed to repair.  Time will ease the pain to be sure, but I can't wait for next year. 

Good things come to an end.  Luckily for us this isn't the end, just a long, long rest. 

This song feels like an accurate summary of my life in this very moment, both the joy of returning home to see my one family, both blood related and otherwise, as well as the pain of leaving my family here.  I'll miss them, and you can bet I'll be playing this song in the weeks before school starts up again.  It's also the first song on Concordia's Beat, a CD that features student performers.  Personally the version on the CD is better. :P

Love life, be brave, understand that pain is not forever, nor is it always a bad thing.

-Megan

Mini Heart Attack

Hiya Reader,

I hope you're well, I'm crashing a college lounge before my sociology class.  Love the professor but not a huge fan of some of the subject matter as of late.

So when someone mentions an epic life, what comes to mind is typically a lot of really big, really intense events, like skydiving or going on a safari, or having a celebrity friend or something.  I would challenge that an epic life is really just a bunch of nice little occurrences that build up over time or remain somewhat constant.  They're just those little life moments that make you realize you can catch a break once in a while.

Case in point, those little mini heart attacks that turn out to be false alarms.  You all know what I'm talking about, that instant rush of adrenaline when you're heart speeds out of control after you miss a step, after someone says "Can I ask you something?" and perhaps the most devastating of all the mini heart attacks, the misreading of the alarm clock.

See, I rarely sleep through the night, so when I wake up I always check the clock to see how much time I have left.  I wake up anytime between 2 and 7 usually and have my alarm set for 7:30, though rarely do I roll out of bed until 7:45 if not later.  Last night I woke up at precisely 5:59, and I'm not quite sure what I was seeing, but I saw 9:59, and my first class starts at 10:30.  Cue mini heart attack.  Eventually I got my sight back and breathed a sigh of relief before going back to bed for another two hours.  You would have thought the fact that my room was still fairly pitch black would have been a good clue...

My point is that sometimes you catch breaks, and that mini heart attack was really just an overreaction or misinterpretation.  Heck, sometimes you even get two more hours to lay back and relax.

Be well, be epic, and have a wonderful week.

-Megan

End of the Road

Hello Reader,

May your Sunday be lazy, but not rainy as mine seems to be.  I can hear the constant dripping of water outside my window and perhaps needless to say... I'm keeping the curtain closed.

My college is wrapping up their presentation of Camino Real by Tennessee Williams with their final performance today. Camino Real means "end of the road" and that's precisely where we, mostly I, find myself today.

The academic year is almost over.  I'll have to commence a furious search for full-time employment within the next couple weeks.  I'll have to pack up my life and leave my new home to go back to a place that now feels less like home and more like a vacation destination.  Lovely to be at, and comfortable to be sure, but no where I really want to live...

Once can approach this end of the road with celebration, fear, cautious optimism, melancholic moping--the kind that makes you lapse into thunderous applause and numerous pats on the back when you realize you had the guts to drag your sorry butt out of bed--or they can approach it with all of those reactions previously listed, as I seem to have been doing in a vicious cycle over the last week or so.

The fact remains... this is it.  This is the curtain call on this particular play, this particular year in my (mostly epic) life, but good thing there is ample evidence of its existence. Good thing our year has been documented, both digitally, and with not so carefully written letters, almost too numerous to count.  There's the facebook statuses, the tweets, the tumblr posts, the BLOGS--100 posts now on Dorm Room 718, and of course, our memories that we shouldn't necessarily discount. Oh, and the folded ticket stubs carefully tucked away in my wallet. This roller coaster has left its mark quite visibly on a number of mediums, including human hearts.

Was it good?  Bad?  Horrible? EPIC?!  Hindsight will be 20/20, but it's been all of it.

Now this isn't the last post of the school year by any means, but know that it's winding down, speeding up, and doing everything in between.

Let's resolve to let the epicness continue.

-Megan

Personal Experiment Completed!

Hi Reader,

I hope you had a wonderful Easter holiday!

A few weeks ago, in this post--> Personal Experiment I started my own personal experiment to see whether or not I could go the entire duration of Lent without eating meat.  Essentially, I became a not-so-strict vegetarian.  I am proud to say that I made it!  I think I frustrated a few people with such an abrupt decision, but everyone complied even if they didn't know my logic or reasoning.  I declared the experiment officially over and celebrated with ham yesterday. :P

The real goal of that decision wasn't really fueled by any desire to become a vegetarian.  It was more like a personal challenge and a fun experiment that was spurned by a particularly long period of boredom and what felt like personal stagnation.  Being vegetarian is really quite easy these days, especially on our college campus where everything is labeled as such.  I do not envy younger or older vegetarians by any means, but that being said, I thought it would be more difficult.  I really think mine was facilitated by the company I keep.  It's, not surprisingly, easy to be vegetarian in the company of vegetarians.  Do I see myself becoming full-fledged and long term in the future?  Honestly, yes, I do.  I just don't know if that's going to happen right now.  Right now I just want some bacon.

So what did I learn?  I learned that I really am capable of making life changes if I have the right type of motivation.  I think I could the experimental bug.  I like to challenge myself and I'm beginning to realize that I'll learn the most and perhaps experience the most growth from challenges I impose on myself.  So what should my next challenge be?  Well, I definitely hope to do something over summer, whether that's write every day (not on the blog) or something else, but at least now I have some evidence that I can maintain a change.

I am so happy I did this.

Be epic, be well, and go experiment with your life.

-Megan

It's Getting Better

Hey Reader, my laptop is currently in St. Paul!  I should have it back on Monday which is super epic in itself.

So let me tell you about this morning.  This morning was gross, dreary, and a little cold.  I wore a jacket to breakfast.  We've had a long string of rainy, cold, gloomy days so I wasn't expecting anything different, but by the time it was my first class, the sun came out and it wasn't so bad--even a little bit warm.  I didn't wear my jacket the rest of the day, and I even made it a point to be outside.  Heck, I looked around and campus is looking GREEN again.  So the bad morning turned into a good day.

Change happens.  Shifts happen.  Unfortunately things shift in both directions, but have faith that they will shift back.  Take time to notice the good changes going on around you.  I am floored by how difficult and how easy life can feel at times.  I can honestly say this has been the most challenging, most stressful year I've ever had.  I can list off 8 or more major events right off the top of my head that have happened this year, less than half of which are positive, but right now, things have smoothed out a little. I finally feel like I'm having more good days than bad days, and I cannot say for certain that they'll last, but I am enjoying them while they're here.  I'm slowly working on changing my patterns and behaviors and even my inner monologue has shifted to a more positive focus.

Life isn't all about you, do you realize this? We are all connected in various networks, webs, and social circles and whenever something changes, everyone's affected in some way. Whenever I ask someone else for help I always feel guilty because I try not to be that person, I always try to be independent because somewhere along the way, I got it into my head that I'm supposed to support people and not the other way around. Still, I am beginning to realize that you cannot help someone else until you find yourself in a good place.  You need stable ground beneath your own feet before you can support someone else and I think I'm getting there. I know I'm getting there.

Life shifts, for better and for worse.  Sometimes it will come naturally, and sometimes you have to bring it about yourself, but it will shift.  My friend, Melissa, gave me a sticker for the Human Rights Campaign earlier in the year which I put it on my laptop, but removed shortly before I sent my computer in for repairs. On a whim, I decided to buy some more from the HRC website in case I couldn't save the one I had.  They came in the mail today, and as I was walking back to my dorm, I was thinking about the campaign and the marriage equality and GSM (Gender and Sexual Minority, a new term I picked up at MBLGTACC) movements.  I realized that even though things can feel difficult and rough on a personal level, progress is still being made.  We have made so much progress in such a short time and it will continue to get better.  My private, religious college even filmed their "It Gets Better" video this week and we're getting some final shots in on Wednesday.  Life is shifting, and life will shift.  It's getting better in a lot of ways and for a lot of different reasons--take the time to look around and notice.  If you feel like it isn't, then do something about it. 

Be well,

-Megan

I'll be back soon!

Sorry Reader,

I know I've been a little bit AWOL lately--computer issues.  But I'll be back online soon enough.

Between guest writing on Dorm Room 718 and this blog, I focus a lot on appreciating the small things, almost to the point of overkill.  I'm sure you get it--small things and simple pleasures are important.  The thing is, when you're far away in college, it's pretty much all you have.  You don't have a permanent home, you're disconnected from your old friends and family, you don't have a fully stocked fridge to just grab a snack from--heck if you're like me you don't even have carpet.  Little things get you through the days, weeks, and months.

Sometimes those little things turn into big things.  Right now I'm chilling in a lounge and listening to the same song on repeat over and over and over again.  Funny how a song can affect your mood.  I listen to music when I want to be sad, be happy, or right now when I just want to maintain whatever mood this is.  It's just nice to have that ability to listen to a song on repeat.

I'll tell you something else I didn't expect to come out of my college experience.  I didn't expect to find a church family.  I didn't expect to attend any church.  Heck I'm not even that religious, but I've been lucky enough to fall into the company of people who put me into awkward situations which lead to such things as having the routine of attending a worship service.  There, I've met some truly lovely people who've made me feel completely and utterly welcome.  It is honestly the last thing I expected to find while in college and I know it's something I'll never find at home.

It's just funny to think about how important having a routine on Sunday has been for me. So Reader? appreciate the little things, especially when you notice they're becoming big things. That's how you can tell life is shifting--especially in better directions.

Be cool, be epic, love the sunshine.

-Megan

A Few Simple Words

Hello lovely Reader. Tis Nicole again. I've been quite busy with theatre and everything else, which is why I haven't appeared here for quite some time.

My life is insane right now... simply insane. I know, I talk about my crazy busy life a lot on my blog, but honestly it is my biggest concern right now. Most days I go from 8 to 10 in the morning, a short break for lunch and homework, then class/work until 4 or 5. Dinner at 6, then practice from 7-10, then homework and such. Often, I am drained of energy. The only thing that has kept me going today is caffeine and the knowledge I have to get work done before I can rest. It's been a stressful day, considering I had a few more things in my schedule. Right about now, all I can do is think in short, simple phrases.

Although people make fun of me for it and I can't help but laugh at myself, I rather enjoy the short simple phrases that come out of my mouth. My mantra today seems to be, "I'm tired." A few simple words that can mean so much - tired of the body, mind, soul, everything. Simple words can carry so much meaning. SMITH magazine created a thing called Six Word Memoirs. I did a few my freshman year of high school and they are full of memories and emotions.

I change every day. It sucks.
I am the great copy cat.
Too young to remember what happened.

Each has a memory and a powerful emotion for me - and it's just six words.

Think about an even shorter phrase - "I love you". It has so much depth if you think about. I mean really think about it. "I" can mean my desires or my passion or my soul or my mind, or even my entire self. "You" can mean an inanimate object, like food or a computer. It can also mean the person opposite to me - their soul, mind, dedication, or entire self. And "love". How deep the meaning goes. It seems to be the core of what life is. And a simple four letter word carries so much weight.

Here's what's epic: words. My theatre director in high school always taught me that silence speaks mounts where words fail. It seemed to me that the less words - and the more powerful they were - accompanied with silence can be the most powerful moment in the whole performance. Words carry weight, and sometimes you don't need to say much...sometimes you just need to say something.

Peace!

-Nicole