I've been dealing with a bit of pain all day. I slept fine, and didn't get too bruised up from taking down my loft and putting the bunk back up--no this isn't anything like that. This is heartache, complete and utter heartache. With how busy we've been over the last three weeks, there's been no time to simply let the facts sink in. This is all coming to a sudden and abrupt end whether we feel ready for it or not, and believe me, I don't feel ready for it. At all. Crap... here come the teary eyes.
As much as this hurts, I'm so glad it does. I sometimes disagree with the old cliché "No pain, no gain" but this is a good pain, such a good pain. My heart is aching in the most wonderful way because it means I don't want to leave, that I have found a home here. It means that all of this, and I mean ALL of this feels right. I ache because of memories, because I won't laugh until I cry nearly as often. Usually, pain means something is wrong, and in this case it means that something right is coming to an end. It's perhaps, the absence of what is right.
There are horror stories out there where individuals experience maladaptive pain reception/response and their lives are a constant struggle of self-awareness to figure out if anything is wrong. Parents of these individuals often say they'd give anything for their child to feel pain. Like I said, this pain means something good is changing, and that's not to say summer will be bad, but here has become home and leaving home is always so bittersweet...
It's like, do you ever feel like the pieces are starting to fall into place, even if you can't quite tell what the end result will be? That's how I feel. I'm practically giddy with the feeling that we're hurling towards something good. I just don't know what it'll be yet. All I know is that I get that feeling here. I've never laughed so hard for so long, nor have I felt such a sense of solidarity and belonging like I do in certain situations being here has allowed me to experience.
As I type this, there's a rabbit sitting 3 feet outside my window... it's munching on the most tender dandelions, but it's chewing well over a mile a minute and often freezes. I just want it to relax. I want it to slow down and take a look around and appreciate this moment, to know that it's all going to be okay. The trees on campus are in full bloom and the scent is breathtaking, literal in more ways than one, but the allergies are totally worth the beauty.
Even though it is finals week and I'm procrastinating on the philosophy final, life is good. This pain is good. Ripping apart the web that has formed here is good, because like muscles, these connections only grow stronger by being shredded and allowed to repair. Time will ease the pain to be sure, but I can't wait for next year.
Good things come to an end. Luckily for us this isn't the end, just a long, long rest.
This song feels like an accurate summary of my life in this very moment, both the joy of returning home to see my one family, both blood related and otherwise, as well as the pain of leaving my family here. I'll miss them, and you can bet I'll be playing this song in the weeks before school starts up again. It's also the first song on Concordia's Beat, a CD that features student performers. Personally the version on the CD is better. :P
Love life, be brave, understand that pain is not forever, nor is it always a bad thing.
-Megan
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