Two Wolves

I was just talking with Michael about how weird life is. Almost 5 months ago, I was proud of myself for simply being able to take a shower and brush my teeth. My life was so immediate, I was focused on just making it through each breath.

Fast forward a few months and I'm sitting in the living room of my wonderful house that I can pay rent for, watching classic films and sipping my favorite tea out of my "Will you be my beau-tea-ful bridesmaid?" mug. Not to mention I get to hang out with wonderful people at my job every day. I'm planning my life after undergrad, but before that I'm planning a hiking trip abroad, and a few conferences I want to attend. Soon I'll have to go buy hiking boots, get my passport, and get art supplies for the ceramics class I'm so glad I get to take. I also have to officially list Alicia as my vice president for my poetry organization...and plan my next performance (and our duo) which needs to happen soon. I miss being in front of a microphone.

Life is weird.

My friend Nick and I have started a pact to go to church every Sunday morning. We went last week and we'll hopefully go tomorrow. He even changed his work availability around so we could go consistently. Isn't that sweet? We both miss the routine of having something to do on Sunday mornings--and even if I don't identify as religious, I always did like setting aside some time to listen and think.

The sermon last week was on the parable of the wheat and the weeds. Anyways, the pastor told the story of a Native American elder talking with his grandson about the battle between two wolves in his heart. The one was dark and evil, made up of greed, malice, bitterness, and anger. The one was light and good, made up of charity, compassion, kindness, empathy, and humanity. The grandson asked his grandfather which wolf he thought would win the battle. The grandfather replied, "Whichever wolf I feed. I pray I will never forget that the wolf I feed will be the one to win."

My wolves are still fighting. It's a daily challenge to keep from feeding the dark wolf and giving attention to the little bitter nuggets that still exist in me. Every day I'm still trying to figure out how to find a balance between taking actions that honor and protect what I deserve--and reject what I don't deserve, and taking actions that honor how compassionate I want to be. It's not easy, and, as tends to happen, the opinions of those around me on what I should do fall on a vast spectrum between the two poles.

Life is weird. Life is hard. Life is beautiful. And though every day may be its own difficult battle, hindsight can show which direction the war is leaning. I pray I never forget that the wolf I feed will be the one to win.

If you see me feeding the wrong wolf, gently remind me. Some days I still need some help and support.

Love,

Megan

The More The Merrier

The process of self-discovery is ongoing and lifelong. I'm still learning to recognize what situations I like best and what fully makes me tick.

I don't know why or what it was, but for most of the last 2.5 years or so, I stuck very exclusively with very few people. Maybe I thought I wasn't capable of becoming emotionally intimate with more than a few people, or maybe I thought that's how social lives are supposed to look. Regardless, hindsight is 20/20 and now I'm fully aware that that social setup isn't what makes me happiest.

See, I'm kind of a social butterfly, and by that I mean I am extroverted to the extreme. When I was younger, I would seek to be around groups of people in an effort to pull myself out of my own head. Maybe I learned to love being around groups of people, or maybe it was how I've always been, but now that I'm older, I seek people and groups because I love to talk and laugh and tell stories, and quite honestly, I do get bored of binge watching Netflix. I feel very comfortable with new people, and with large groups.

So when my 22nd birthday was coming up, I knew I wanted to gather as many of my friends in one room as possible. Along with the help of my roommates, we threw a party at Applebee's and close to 30 friends showed up. Quite a few faces couldn't make it, which was sad, but overall it was a beautiful night, filled with hugs and love and joy. Here's a few photos:

                                                             One end of the table:

A few of my amazing coworkers:         

                                                                                                            

And general shenanigans:

Yes, sometimes I overextend myself with all that extraversion and then I need to pull back and get in some hardcore alone time, but hanging out with lots of different people, either apart, or in the same room, is my ultimate happy place. It's where I feel most comfortable and most like myself.

What took me so long to finally realize that's how I wanted to live that particular aspect of my life? Who knows. But I know I have a better idea and a lot more experiences to draw from, and I'm working on fostering a lot of connections that I had written off or neglected. 

I'm an open book, and I'm thankful I'm surrounded by so many incredible people who have cared enough to flip through those pages with me. 

Be patient, loving, and kind. Until next time,

-Megan