Every. Single. Day.

Reader,

I'm not sure if you know this or not--you probably do--but the reason I blog is mostly because I like having a place to write and organize my thoughts. And, since I'm a writer, I'm obsessed with leaving something behind. I have this terrible and yet wonderful desire and need to spill out everything in my heart and mind and show it to people. I spent many, many years of my life hiding behind a mask out of fear that what I was thinking and feeling wouldn't be accepted. After getting over that, I have lost the inability to hide. In a way, I can't be anything but honest.

So here's me being honest. After my aunt lost her battle to cancer at age 26, a mantra I heard over and over again was "Live each day like it's your last." And that's a nice saying, but to actually internalize it is another matter entirely. So now here's senior year, and I'm facing each and every day like it's its own separate entity. I'm trying to savor each and every day, to make each and every interaction the best it can be. In essence, I've become a vampire, trying to suck all the positive experience I can out of each day.

I'm obsessed with not regretting my life. I'm stressing over what actions to take, the consequences, the results, the best possible decision that will result in the best possible outcome. I live... carefully. I'm just trying so hard to be the best I can be. I'm trying to be kind, gentle, strong, brave, trying to be someone that people respect and trust. I'm trying to be someone that if I didn't look where I was going tomorrow and was tragically hit by a bus, that I wouldn't end up wherever we all end up with any regrets. I also kinda hope a lot of people would want to attend my funeral, but maybe that's selfish.

I say all of this because it's hard. It's so hard. To live every day carefully, to be cognizant about every action, every conversation, to monitor and prevent yourself from acting on every thought--it's really fricken hard. But, maybe it gets better with practice.

It's senior year. They (Concordia) teach us that we should try to become responsibly engaged in the world. To do so requires examination, thorough awareness of our thoughts, actions, conversations. Every. Single. Day. To be honest, there's a big part of me that just wants to be like Bruce Vieweg, and I don't know if he's naturally so wonderful, or if he engages in just that much reflection and examination, but I want to be like him. This is how I'm trying to do it. To know where you stand and who you are is to be powerful. To be powerful is to have a great responsibility--and that requires doing things that are difficult and challenging, like putting so much effort into every single day.

I'm trying.

-Megan

The Beginning of the End

Senior year. Here it is. Am I ready? It's doesn't matter if I am or not.

I think the most best and worst thing about college is that it thrusts you into a world of constant social interaction. You eat with friends, live with friends, do homework with friends. Even the most introverted of introverts will experience a great deal of time with people. Simultaneously, the prominent and inescapable theme of junior and senior year is that you're profoundly alone. Think about it, that time is spent preparing to enter life after college, whether that be moving directly into the workforce in a given field or in my case, preparing for graduate school. It is a terrifying fact that after graduation, there is no communal dining hall, no neighborhood where all the houses have a name and a personality bestowed by their residents, no talent shows where you know all the performers. For me, there may be just a rainy city in which I know less than 10 people personally.

It's not a bad thing to prepare to be alone. The way in which the college student develops may just make them a better person. Think about it, in an environment surrounded by people of common purpose, you have to develop an individual identity that makes you stand out in some way. You decide who you're going to be and how you're going to relate to people. Of course this identity isn't static, but when you're working on it for 2-3 years, you usually create something semi-solid. You then have to take that identity and sit in it and transfer it to new environments, away from college.

Am I terrified? You bet I am. Is it okay to be thrust into a terrifying and uncomfortable situation? Yes. These days, I live off of To-Do lists. Today, as soon as I crossed one item off, I seemed to just add two more items to the list. Perhaps that's what entering adulthood is all about. No matter, I can do this.

It's Senior year. Time to do work.

Be well,

Megan