Every. Single. Day.

Reader,

I'm not sure if you know this or not--you probably do--but the reason I blog is mostly because I like having a place to write and organize my thoughts. And, since I'm a writer, I'm obsessed with leaving something behind. I have this terrible and yet wonderful desire and need to spill out everything in my heart and mind and show it to people. I spent many, many years of my life hiding behind a mask out of fear that what I was thinking and feeling wouldn't be accepted. After getting over that, I have lost the inability to hide. In a way, I can't be anything but honest.

So here's me being honest. After my aunt lost her battle to cancer at age 26, a mantra I heard over and over again was "Live each day like it's your last." And that's a nice saying, but to actually internalize it is another matter entirely. So now here's senior year, and I'm facing each and every day like it's its own separate entity. I'm trying to savor each and every day, to make each and every interaction the best it can be. In essence, I've become a vampire, trying to suck all the positive experience I can out of each day.

I'm obsessed with not regretting my life. I'm stressing over what actions to take, the consequences, the results, the best possible decision that will result in the best possible outcome. I live... carefully. I'm just trying so hard to be the best I can be. I'm trying to be kind, gentle, strong, brave, trying to be someone that people respect and trust. I'm trying to be someone that if I didn't look where I was going tomorrow and was tragically hit by a bus, that I wouldn't end up wherever we all end up with any regrets. I also kinda hope a lot of people would want to attend my funeral, but maybe that's selfish.

I say all of this because it's hard. It's so hard. To live every day carefully, to be cognizant about every action, every conversation, to monitor and prevent yourself from acting on every thought--it's really fricken hard. But, maybe it gets better with practice.

It's senior year. They (Concordia) teach us that we should try to become responsibly engaged in the world. To do so requires examination, thorough awareness of our thoughts, actions, conversations. Every. Single. Day. To be honest, there's a big part of me that just wants to be like Bruce Vieweg, and I don't know if he's naturally so wonderful, or if he engages in just that much reflection and examination, but I want to be like him. This is how I'm trying to do it. To know where you stand and who you are is to be powerful. To be powerful is to have a great responsibility--and that requires doing things that are difficult and challenging, like putting so much effort into every single day.

I'm trying.

-Megan

The Beginning of the End

Senior year. Here it is. Am I ready? It's doesn't matter if I am or not.

I think the most best and worst thing about college is that it thrusts you into a world of constant social interaction. You eat with friends, live with friends, do homework with friends. Even the most introverted of introverts will experience a great deal of time with people. Simultaneously, the prominent and inescapable theme of junior and senior year is that you're profoundly alone. Think about it, that time is spent preparing to enter life after college, whether that be moving directly into the workforce in a given field or in my case, preparing for graduate school. It is a terrifying fact that after graduation, there is no communal dining hall, no neighborhood where all the houses have a name and a personality bestowed by their residents, no talent shows where you know all the performers. For me, there may be just a rainy city in which I know less than 10 people personally.

It's not a bad thing to prepare to be alone. The way in which the college student develops may just make them a better person. Think about it, in an environment surrounded by people of common purpose, you have to develop an individual identity that makes you stand out in some way. You decide who you're going to be and how you're going to relate to people. Of course this identity isn't static, but when you're working on it for 2-3 years, you usually create something semi-solid. You then have to take that identity and sit in it and transfer it to new environments, away from college.

Am I terrified? You bet I am. Is it okay to be thrust into a terrifying and uncomfortable situation? Yes. These days, I live off of To-Do lists. Today, as soon as I crossed one item off, I seemed to just add two more items to the list. Perhaps that's what entering adulthood is all about. No matter, I can do this.

It's Senior year. Time to do work.

Be well,

Megan

Two Wolves

I was just talking with Michael about how weird life is. Almost 5 months ago, I was proud of myself for simply being able to take a shower and brush my teeth. My life was so immediate, I was focused on just making it through each breath.

Fast forward a few months and I'm sitting in the living room of my wonderful house that I can pay rent for, watching classic films and sipping my favorite tea out of my "Will you be my beau-tea-ful bridesmaid?" mug. Not to mention I get to hang out with wonderful people at my job every day. I'm planning my life after undergrad, but before that I'm planning a hiking trip abroad, and a few conferences I want to attend. Soon I'll have to go buy hiking boots, get my passport, and get art supplies for the ceramics class I'm so glad I get to take. I also have to officially list Alicia as my vice president for my poetry organization...and plan my next performance (and our duo) which needs to happen soon. I miss being in front of a microphone.

Life is weird.

My friend Nick and I have started a pact to go to church every Sunday morning. We went last week and we'll hopefully go tomorrow. He even changed his work availability around so we could go consistently. Isn't that sweet? We both miss the routine of having something to do on Sunday mornings--and even if I don't identify as religious, I always did like setting aside some time to listen and think.

The sermon last week was on the parable of the wheat and the weeds. Anyways, the pastor told the story of a Native American elder talking with his grandson about the battle between two wolves in his heart. The one was dark and evil, made up of greed, malice, bitterness, and anger. The one was light and good, made up of charity, compassion, kindness, empathy, and humanity. The grandson asked his grandfather which wolf he thought would win the battle. The grandfather replied, "Whichever wolf I feed. I pray I will never forget that the wolf I feed will be the one to win."

My wolves are still fighting. It's a daily challenge to keep from feeding the dark wolf and giving attention to the little bitter nuggets that still exist in me. Every day I'm still trying to figure out how to find a balance between taking actions that honor and protect what I deserve--and reject what I don't deserve, and taking actions that honor how compassionate I want to be. It's not easy, and, as tends to happen, the opinions of those around me on what I should do fall on a vast spectrum between the two poles.

Life is weird. Life is hard. Life is beautiful. And though every day may be its own difficult battle, hindsight can show which direction the war is leaning. I pray I never forget that the wolf I feed will be the one to win.

If you see me feeding the wrong wolf, gently remind me. Some days I still need some help and support.

Love,

Megan

Embracing Sunshine

Well friends, no anxious brain tonight, but certainly a racing heart. This week's combination of too little sleep, too much caffeine, and a few celebratory margaritas have all made it quite unhappy with me. No worries, it'll settle down once I get back into a routine.

So I'm sitting here, sipping peppermint tea and listening to I'd Run Away by The Jayhawks. The truth is though, there's no place I'd rather be than right here, right now. How funny to say that, since I would have given anything to not be me not long ago. Truth is, I feel like everything is falling into place.

My life is once again packed into boxes and over the course of the next week, I will move into The Burrow, our house for the next 12 months. Not only will I be living with three of the most energetic, genuine, and overall amazing people I've ever met, but I'll be surrounded by many incredible faces this summer. Many friends, including recent grads, are living close to me and plans for many happy ventures are already in place. If The Burrow is anything like my friend Rosina's house, it's going to be 12 months of crazy awesomeness. I'm looking forward to many nights in the backyard, blasting music, watching the sunset, and sipping more celebratory margaritas. My song of the summer is Ain't It Fun by Paramore. Look it up, but listen to it with the video--changes the connotation in my opinion.

Life has switched gears, but still feels 100% chaos and 100% relaxed contentment. It's officially summer, and the sun is making more and more of an appearance, even if the wind still keeps a chill. My finals are all done and forgotten and grades are trickling in. So far so good. I don't know what to say about this summer, other than I am overwhelmingly looking forward to all of it. I have so much time, but so many things to do. Soon I will start preparing for the GRE, hardcore researching graduate programs, and getting together with all those friends I mentioned. I also perfectly intend to curl up and watch some heavy amounts of Game of Thrones, Grey's Anatomy, House M.D., and Breaking Bad. Oh, and to convince you that I'm not just going to melt my brain on Netflix, I also plan to read exorbitant amounts of John Irving novels.

I am happy and content, but also cautious. Life has a terrible impermanence to it. This last week, I watched many friends graduate, which was all a bundle of sad, happy, nostalgic emotional everything. That will be me sooner than I think, but before then, I still have some crazy things to do. With luck, I'll go to Scotland (as I mentioned in the last post) but I'll also write and perform a lot of poetry, write a lot of non-fiction essays, play with rats, make some pottery, grade some psychology assignments, and go to a giant writing conference. If I get my ducks in a row, I'll also present at a conference in Illinois and work on more research-related things. After that, I'll graduate and move somewhere far away. Life is impermanent.

For now though, it's summer. And I am fully embracing the sun and the time... even though I might have to bring an umbrella to work today...

Peace and epicness,

-Megan

"I'm just fine here finding me."

By the way, that title comes from the song "Finding Me" by Vertical Horizon.

Reader, I just got done eating a plate full of Eggo chocolate chip waffles.  It reminded me of childhood and also of those times when my mom would dig out the actual waffle maker and make them from scratch.  That's been the entire week for me--throwbacks to childhood.  I drank 7up and ate popsicles yesterday.

I've spent the last few days struggling about what to write for this post.  Sure I could talk about what it feels like to be going back to campus in two days, but I won't. The only thing I'll say is this:  If last year felt like a timid dipping in of the toes into college life, then this year feels like a running plunge, complete with student activism and new opportunities.  Oh, and the water doesn't even feel cold. Instead, I'm going to talk about something else and something probably more broad.

Today marks the 3rd anniversary of the death of my aunt Mary, and I will always be thankful for her influence on my life, which shows itself now more than ever.  That's true with all the aunts on my dad's side.  I see distinct aspects of myself in each of them as I get older, but it comes not from intentional shaping on their part...

I don't exactly know how to phrase everything, but everyone needs the freedom to find their own way--that's not to undervalue good, strong guidance and influence, but that guidance should open doors to all sorts of life experiences instead of closing some off.  Maybe I'm naive in thinking that if people are not forced down a certain path and instead are left to their own devices, they will naturally gravitate towards choices that lead to their own brand of a happy and fulfilling life. 

I'm glad I feel like the latter is becoming more and more my reality. Certain influences are causing me to pursue happiness in my own way, not because they're consciously trying to, but because they're leading or have led by wonderful example and a sort of hands off approach.  You don't have to tell someone who to be, you just have to be someone they admire to make a difference in their life.

All of it has reinforced the idea in me that I'm going to be just fine if I'm allowed to live at my own pace and make my own decisions.

Peace, be well, be epic, and I'll probably be back to campus the next time you hear from me.

-Megan

A Good Kind of Pain

Reader, I'm procrastinating on a philosophy take-home final that I've discovered will take me forever.  Not joking.  6 hardcore essay questions worth 50 points each.  It counts for 25% of my class grade.  I wish that was all I had to worry about, but unfortunately I have a Sociology exam and Cognitive Psych final to worry about before I make my journey home on Saturday.

I've been dealing with a bit of pain all day.  I slept fine, and didn't get too bruised up from taking down my loft and putting the bunk back up--no this isn't anything like that.  This is heartache, complete and utter heartache.  With how busy we've been over the last three weeks, there's been no time to simply let the facts sink in. This is all coming to a sudden and abrupt end whether we feel ready for it or not, and believe me, I don't feel ready for it.  At all. Crap... here come the teary eyes.

As much as this hurts, I'm so glad it does.  I sometimes disagree with the old cliché "No pain, no gain" but this is a good pain, such a good pain.  My heart is aching in the most wonderful way because it means I don't want to leave, that I have found a home here.  It means that all of this, and I mean ALL of this feels right.  I ache because of memories, because I won't laugh until I cry nearly as often.  Usually, pain means something is wrong, and in this case it means that something right is coming to an end.  It's perhaps, the absence of what is right.

There are horror stories out there where individuals experience maladaptive pain reception/response and their lives are a constant struggle of self-awareness to figure out if anything is wrong.  Parents of these individuals often say they'd give anything for their child to feel pain.  Like I said, this pain means something good is changing, and that's not to say summer will be bad, but here has become home and leaving home is always so bittersweet...

It's like, do you ever feel like the pieces are starting to fall into place, even if you can't quite tell what the end result will be?  That's how I feel.  I'm practically giddy with the feeling that we're hurling towards something good.  I just don't know what it'll be yet.  All I know is that I get that feeling here.  I've never laughed so hard for so long, nor have I felt such a sense of solidarity and belonging like I do in certain situations being here has allowed me to experience.

As I type this, there's a rabbit sitting 3 feet outside my window... it's munching on the most tender dandelions, but it's chewing well over a mile a minute and often freezes.  I just want it to relax.  I want it to slow down and take a look around and appreciate this moment, to know that it's all going to be okay.  The trees on campus are in full bloom and the scent is breathtaking, literal in more ways than one, but the allergies are totally worth the beauty.

Even though it is finals week and I'm procrastinating on the philosophy final, life is good.  This pain is good.  Ripping apart the web that has formed here is good, because like muscles, these connections only grow stronger by being shredded and allowed to repair.  Time will ease the pain to be sure, but I can't wait for next year. 

Good things come to an end.  Luckily for us this isn't the end, just a long, long rest. 

This song feels like an accurate summary of my life in this very moment, both the joy of returning home to see my one family, both blood related and otherwise, as well as the pain of leaving my family here.  I'll miss them, and you can bet I'll be playing this song in the weeks before school starts up again.  It's also the first song on Concordia's Beat, a CD that features student performers.  Personally the version on the CD is better. :P

Love life, be brave, understand that pain is not forever, nor is it always a bad thing.

-Megan

Mini Heart Attack

Hiya Reader,

I hope you're well, I'm crashing a college lounge before my sociology class.  Love the professor but not a huge fan of some of the subject matter as of late.

So when someone mentions an epic life, what comes to mind is typically a lot of really big, really intense events, like skydiving or going on a safari, or having a celebrity friend or something.  I would challenge that an epic life is really just a bunch of nice little occurrences that build up over time or remain somewhat constant.  They're just those little life moments that make you realize you can catch a break once in a while.

Case in point, those little mini heart attacks that turn out to be false alarms.  You all know what I'm talking about, that instant rush of adrenaline when you're heart speeds out of control after you miss a step, after someone says "Can I ask you something?" and perhaps the most devastating of all the mini heart attacks, the misreading of the alarm clock.

See, I rarely sleep through the night, so when I wake up I always check the clock to see how much time I have left.  I wake up anytime between 2 and 7 usually and have my alarm set for 7:30, though rarely do I roll out of bed until 7:45 if not later.  Last night I woke up at precisely 5:59, and I'm not quite sure what I was seeing, but I saw 9:59, and my first class starts at 10:30.  Cue mini heart attack.  Eventually I got my sight back and breathed a sigh of relief before going back to bed for another two hours.  You would have thought the fact that my room was still fairly pitch black would have been a good clue...

My point is that sometimes you catch breaks, and that mini heart attack was really just an overreaction or misinterpretation.  Heck, sometimes you even get two more hours to lay back and relax.

Be well, be epic, and have a wonderful week.

-Megan

End of the Road

Hello Reader,

May your Sunday be lazy, but not rainy as mine seems to be.  I can hear the constant dripping of water outside my window and perhaps needless to say... I'm keeping the curtain closed.

My college is wrapping up their presentation of Camino Real by Tennessee Williams with their final performance today. Camino Real means "end of the road" and that's precisely where we, mostly I, find myself today.

The academic year is almost over.  I'll have to commence a furious search for full-time employment within the next couple weeks.  I'll have to pack up my life and leave my new home to go back to a place that now feels less like home and more like a vacation destination.  Lovely to be at, and comfortable to be sure, but no where I really want to live...

One can approach this end of the road with celebration, fear, cautious optimism, melancholic moping--the kind that makes you lapse into thunderous applause and numerous pats on the back when you realize you had the guts to drag your sorry butt out of bed--or they can approach it with all of those reactions previously listed, as I seem to have been doing in a vicious cycle over the last week or so.

The fact remains... this is it.  This is the curtain call on this particular play, this particular year in my (mostly epic) life, but good thing there is ample evidence of its existence. Good thing our year has been documented, both digitally, and with not so carefully written letters, almost too numerous to count.  There's the facebook statuses, the tweets, the tumblr posts, the BLOGS--100 posts now on Dorm Room 718, and of course, our memories that we shouldn't necessarily discount. Oh, and the folded ticket stubs carefully tucked away in my wallet. This roller coaster has left its mark quite visibly on a number of mediums, including human hearts.

Was it good?  Bad?  Horrible? EPIC?!  Hindsight will be 20/20, but it's been all of it.

Now this isn't the last post of the school year by any means, but know that it's winding down, speeding up, and doing everything in between.

Let's resolve to let the epicness continue.

-Megan

Personal Experiment Completed!

Hi Reader,

I hope you had a wonderful Easter holiday!

A few weeks ago, in this post--> Personal Experiment I started my own personal experiment to see whether or not I could go the entire duration of Lent without eating meat.  Essentially, I became a not-so-strict vegetarian.  I am proud to say that I made it!  I think I frustrated a few people with such an abrupt decision, but everyone complied even if they didn't know my logic or reasoning.  I declared the experiment officially over and celebrated with ham yesterday. :P

The real goal of that decision wasn't really fueled by any desire to become a vegetarian.  It was more like a personal challenge and a fun experiment that was spurned by a particularly long period of boredom and what felt like personal stagnation.  Being vegetarian is really quite easy these days, especially on our college campus where everything is labeled as such.  I do not envy younger or older vegetarians by any means, but that being said, I thought it would be more difficult.  I really think mine was facilitated by the company I keep.  It's, not surprisingly, easy to be vegetarian in the company of vegetarians.  Do I see myself becoming full-fledged and long term in the future?  Honestly, yes, I do.  I just don't know if that's going to happen right now.  Right now I just want some bacon.

So what did I learn?  I learned that I really am capable of making life changes if I have the right type of motivation.  I think I caught the experimental bug.  I like to challenge myself and I'm beginning to realize that I'll learn the most and perhaps experience the most growth from challenges I impose on myself.  So what should my next challenge be?  Well, I definitely hope to do something over summer, whether that's write every day (not on the blog) or something else, but at least now I have some evidence that I can maintain a change.

I am so happy I did this.

Be epic, be well, and go experiment with your life.

-Megan

I'll be back soon!

Sorry Reader,

I know I've been a little bit AWOL lately--computer issues.  But I'll be back online soon enough.

Between guest writing on Dorm Room 718 and this blog, I focus a lot on appreciating the small things, almost to the point of overkill.  I'm sure you get it--small things and simple pleasures are important.  The thing is, when you're far away in college, it's pretty much all you have.  You don't have a permanent home, you're disconnected from your old friends and family, you don't have a fully stocked fridge to just grab a snack from--heck if you're like me you don't even have carpet.  Little things get you through the days, weeks, and months.

Sometimes those little things turn into big things.  Right now I'm chilling in a lounge and listening to the same song on repeat over and over and over again.  Funny how a song can affect your mood.  I listen to music when I want to be sad, be happy, or right now when I just want to maintain whatever mood this is.  It's just nice to have that ability to listen to a song on repeat.

I'll tell you something else I didn't expect to come out of my college experience.  I didn't expect to find a church family.  I didn't expect to attend any church.  Heck I'm not even that religious, but I've been lucky enough to fall into the company of people who put me into awkward situations which lead to such things as having the routine of attending a worship service.  There, I've met some truly lovely people who've made me feel completely and utterly welcome.  It is honestly the last thing I expected to find while in college and I know it's something I'll never find at home.

It's just funny to think about how important having a routine on Sunday has been for me. So Reader? appreciate the little things, especially when you notice they're becoming big things. That's how you can tell life is shifting--especially in better directions.

Be cool, be epic, love the sunshine.

-Megan

Give and Take

Hi Reader!  I am so incredibly tired today, and I don't know if it's lack of sleep or if I'm just slightly burned out.  But, it will get better eventually I think.

There's no doubt that college changes you as a person.  It changes aspects of your personality, your philosophy on life, your habits, everything.  It's one of those formative experiences that will hopefully leave you better than when you started.  It's strange though, because while some things seem to get better, others seem to get worse.  I guess it's a paradox, yet balance always seems to be maintained somewhere.

These are some changes I'm noticing in myself since I've started school:

1. I'm worse at sleeping through the night, but I'm better at sleeping in louder, more lit conditions.

2. My public speaking anxiety seems to be worse, but my one on one eye contact is getting better.

3. I'm worse at time management as far as writing papers go, but I'm better at cranking out said papers.

4. I'm worse at coping with things on my own, but I'm better at taking the initiative to figure out how someone else is doing.

5. I'm worse at making big decisions, but I'm better at letting my spontaneous side come through.

6. I'm getting worse at letting myself show negative emotions, but I'm getting better at crying from laughter.

7. I'm getting worse at worrying about my future, but I'm also getting better at enjoying the time I have.

8. I'm getting worse at knowing the right thing to say, but I'm getting better at saying how I feel.

9. Finally, I'm getting worse at resisting the urge to ask strangers if they want a hug, but I'm getting better at hugs!

So, there you go.  College changes you and parts of you shift around a little bit.  I guess I'm just hoping the net benefits of this experience outweigh the costs of it. So far they have been.

Be well, be epic, and notice the changes in yourself--especially the positive ones.

-Megan