Reader,
I'm not sure if you know this or not--you probably do--but the reason I blog is mostly because I like having a place to write and organize my thoughts. And, since I'm a writer, I'm obsessed with leaving something behind. I have this terrible and yet wonderful desire and need to spill out everything in my heart and mind and show it to people. I spent many, many years of my life hiding behind a mask out of fear that what I was thinking and feeling wouldn't be accepted. After getting over that, I have lost the inability to hide. In a way, I can't be anything but honest.
So here's me being honest. After my aunt lost her battle to cancer at age 26, a mantra I heard over and over again was "Live each day like it's your last." And that's a nice saying, but to actually internalize it is another matter entirely. So now here's senior year, and I'm facing each and every day like it's its own separate entity. I'm trying to savor each and every day, to make each and every interaction the best it can be. In essence, I've become a vampire, trying to suck all the positive experience I can out of each day.
I'm obsessed with not regretting my life. I'm stressing over what actions to take, the consequences, the results, the best possible decision that will result in the best possible outcome. I live... carefully. I'm just trying so hard to be the best I can be. I'm trying to be kind, gentle, strong, brave, trying to be someone that people respect and trust. I'm trying to be someone that if I didn't look where I was going tomorrow and was tragically hit by a bus, that I wouldn't end up wherever we all end up with any regrets. I also kinda hope a lot of people would want to attend my funeral, but maybe that's selfish.
I say all of this because it's hard. It's so hard. To live every day carefully, to be cognizant about every action, every conversation, to monitor and prevent yourself from acting on every thought--it's really fricken hard. But, maybe it gets better with practice.
It's senior year. They (Concordia) teach us that we should try to become responsibly engaged in the world. To do so requires examination, thorough awareness of our thoughts, actions, conversations. Every. Single. Day. To be honest, there's a big part of me that just wants to be like Bruce Vieweg, and I don't know if he's naturally so wonderful, or if he engages in just that much reflection and examination, but I want to be like him. This is how I'm trying to do it. To know where you stand and who you are is to be powerful. To be powerful is to have a great responsibility--and that requires doing things that are difficult and challenging, like putting so much effort into every single day.
I'm trying.
-Megan
Thursday, August 28, 2014
Tuesday, August 26, 2014
The Beginning of the End
Senior year. Here it is. Am I ready? It's doesn't matter if I am or not.
I think the most best and worst thing about college is that it thrusts you into a world of constant social interaction. You eat with friends, live with friends, do homework with friends. Even the most introverted of introverts will experience a great deal of time with people. Simultaneously, the prominent and inescapable theme of junior and senior year is that you're profoundly alone. Think about it, that time is spent preparing to enter life after college, whether that be moving directly into the workforce in a given field or in my case, preparing for graduate school. It is a terrifying fact that after graduation, there is no communal dining hall, no neighborhood where all the houses have a name and a personality bestowed by their residents, no talent shows where you know all the performers. For me, there may be just a rainy city in which I know less than 10 people personally.
It's not a bad thing to prepare to be alone. The way in which the college student develops may just make them a better person. Think about it, in an environment surrounded by people of common purpose, you have to develop an individual identity that makes you stand out in some way. You decide who you're going to be and how you're going to relate to people. Of course this identity isn't static, but when you're working on it for 2-3 years, you usually create something semi-solid. You then have to take that identity and sit in it and transfer it to new environments, away from college.
Am I terrified? You bet I am. Is it okay to be thrust into a terrifying and uncomfortable situation? Yes. These days, I live off of To-Do lists. Today, as soon as I crossed one item off, I seemed to just add two more items to the list. Perhaps that's what entering adulthood is all about. No matter, I can do this.
It's Senior year. Time to do work.
Be well,
Megan
I think the most best and worst thing about college is that it thrusts you into a world of constant social interaction. You eat with friends, live with friends, do homework with friends. Even the most introverted of introverts will experience a great deal of time with people. Simultaneously, the prominent and inescapable theme of junior and senior year is that you're profoundly alone. Think about it, that time is spent preparing to enter life after college, whether that be moving directly into the workforce in a given field or in my case, preparing for graduate school. It is a terrifying fact that after graduation, there is no communal dining hall, no neighborhood where all the houses have a name and a personality bestowed by their residents, no talent shows where you know all the performers. For me, there may be just a rainy city in which I know less than 10 people personally.
It's not a bad thing to prepare to be alone. The way in which the college student develops may just make them a better person. Think about it, in an environment surrounded by people of common purpose, you have to develop an individual identity that makes you stand out in some way. You decide who you're going to be and how you're going to relate to people. Of course this identity isn't static, but when you're working on it for 2-3 years, you usually create something semi-solid. You then have to take that identity and sit in it and transfer it to new environments, away from college.
Am I terrified? You bet I am. Is it okay to be thrust into a terrifying and uncomfortable situation? Yes. These days, I live off of To-Do lists. Today, as soon as I crossed one item off, I seemed to just add two more items to the list. Perhaps that's what entering adulthood is all about. No matter, I can do this.
It's Senior year. Time to do work.
Be well,
Megan
Saturday, July 26, 2014
Two Wolves
I was just talking with Michael about how weird life is. Almost 5 months ago, I was proud of myself for simply being able to take a shower and brush my teeth. My life was so immediate, I was focused on just making it through each breath.
Fast forward a few months and I'm sitting in the living room of my wonderful house that I can pay rent for, watching classic films and sipping my favorite tea out of my "Will you be my beau-tea-ful bridesmaid?" mug. Not to mention I get to hang out with wonderful people at my job every day. I'm planning my life after undergrad, but before that I'm planning a hiking trip abroad, and a few conferences I want to attend. Soon I'll have to go buy hiking boots, get my passport, and get art supplies for the ceramics class I'm so glad I get to take. I also have to officially list Alicia as my vice president for my poetry organization...and plan my next performance (and our duo) which needs to happen soon. I miss being in front of a microphone.
Life is weird.
My friend Nick and I have started a pact to go to church every Sunday morning. We went last week and we'll hopefully go tomorrow. He even changed his work availability around so we could go consistently. Isn't that sweet? We both miss the routine of having something to do on Sunday mornings--and even if I don't identify as religious, I always did like setting aside some time to listen and think.
The sermon last week was on the parable of the wheat and the weeds. Anyways, the pastor told the story of a Native American elder talking with his grandson about the battle between two wolves in his heart. The one was dark and evil, made up of greed, malice, bitterness, and anger. The one was light and good, made up of charity, compassion, kindness, empathy, and humanity. The grandson asked his grandfather which wolf he thought would win the battle. The grandfather replied, "Whichever wolf I feed. I pray I will never forget that the wolf I feed will be the one to win."
My wolves are still fighting. It's a daily challenge to keep from feeding the dark wolf and giving attention to the little bitter nuggets that still exist in me. Every day I'm still trying to figure out how to find a balance between taking actions that honor and protect what I deserve--and reject what I don't deserve, and taking actions that honor how compassionate I want to be. It's not easy, and, as tends to happen, the opinions of those around me on what I should do fall on a vast spectrum between the two poles.
Life is weird. Life is hard. Life is beautiful. And though every day may be its own difficult battle, hindsight can show which direction the war is leaning. I pray I never forget that the wolf I feed will be the one to win.
If you see me feeding the wrong wolf, gently remind me. Some days I still need some help and support.
Love,
Megan
Fast forward a few months and I'm sitting in the living room of my wonderful house that I can pay rent for, watching classic films and sipping my favorite tea out of my "Will you be my beau-tea-ful bridesmaid?" mug. Not to mention I get to hang out with wonderful people at my job every day. I'm planning my life after undergrad, but before that I'm planning a hiking trip abroad, and a few conferences I want to attend. Soon I'll have to go buy hiking boots, get my passport, and get art supplies for the ceramics class I'm so glad I get to take. I also have to officially list Alicia as my vice president for my poetry organization...and plan my next performance (and our duo) which needs to happen soon. I miss being in front of a microphone.
Life is weird.
My friend Nick and I have started a pact to go to church every Sunday morning. We went last week and we'll hopefully go tomorrow. He even changed his work availability around so we could go consistently. Isn't that sweet? We both miss the routine of having something to do on Sunday mornings--and even if I don't identify as religious, I always did like setting aside some time to listen and think.
The sermon last week was on the parable of the wheat and the weeds. Anyways, the pastor told the story of a Native American elder talking with his grandson about the battle between two wolves in his heart. The one was dark and evil, made up of greed, malice, bitterness, and anger. The one was light and good, made up of charity, compassion, kindness, empathy, and humanity. The grandson asked his grandfather which wolf he thought would win the battle. The grandfather replied, "Whichever wolf I feed. I pray I will never forget that the wolf I feed will be the one to win."
My wolves are still fighting. It's a daily challenge to keep from feeding the dark wolf and giving attention to the little bitter nuggets that still exist in me. Every day I'm still trying to figure out how to find a balance between taking actions that honor and protect what I deserve--and reject what I don't deserve, and taking actions that honor how compassionate I want to be. It's not easy, and, as tends to happen, the opinions of those around me on what I should do fall on a vast spectrum between the two poles.
Life is weird. Life is hard. Life is beautiful. And though every day may be its own difficult battle, hindsight can show which direction the war is leaning. I pray I never forget that the wolf I feed will be the one to win.
If you see me feeding the wrong wolf, gently remind me. Some days I still need some help and support.
Love,
Megan
Saturday, July 12, 2014
The More The Merrier
The process of self-discovery is ongoing and lifelong. I'm still learning to recognize what situations I like best and what fully makes me tick.
I don't know why or what it was, but for most of the last 2.5 years or so, I stuck very exclusively with very few people. Maybe I thought I wasn't capable of becoming emotionally intimate with more than a few people, or maybe I thought that's how social lives are supposed to look. Regardless, hindsight is 20/20 and now I'm fully aware that that social setup isn't what makes me happiest.
See, I'm kind of a social butterfly, and by that I mean I am extroverted to the extreme. When I was younger, I would seek to be around groups of people in an effort to pull myself out of my own head. Maybe I learned to love being around groups of people, or maybe it was how I've always been, but now that I'm older, I seek people and groups because I love to talk and laugh and tell stories, and quite honestly, I do get bored of binge watching Netflix. I feel very comfortable with new people, and with large groups.
So when my 22nd birthday was coming up, I knew I wanted to gather as many of my friends in one room as possible. Along with the help of my roommates, we threw a party at Applebee's and close to 30 friends showed up. Quite a few faces couldn't make it, which was sad, but overall it was a beautiful night, filled with hugs and love and joy. Here's a few photos:
One end of the table:
I don't know why or what it was, but for most of the last 2.5 years or so, I stuck very exclusively with very few people. Maybe I thought I wasn't capable of becoming emotionally intimate with more than a few people, or maybe I thought that's how social lives are supposed to look. Regardless, hindsight is 20/20 and now I'm fully aware that that social setup isn't what makes me happiest.
See, I'm kind of a social butterfly, and by that I mean I am extroverted to the extreme. When I was younger, I would seek to be around groups of people in an effort to pull myself out of my own head. Maybe I learned to love being around groups of people, or maybe it was how I've always been, but now that I'm older, I seek people and groups because I love to talk and laugh and tell stories, and quite honestly, I do get bored of binge watching Netflix. I feel very comfortable with new people, and with large groups.
So when my 22nd birthday was coming up, I knew I wanted to gather as many of my friends in one room as possible. Along with the help of my roommates, we threw a party at Applebee's and close to 30 friends showed up. Quite a few faces couldn't make it, which was sad, but overall it was a beautiful night, filled with hugs and love and joy. Here's a few photos:
One end of the table:
 |
A few of my amazing coworkers:
And general shenanigans:
Yes, sometimes I overextend myself with all that extraversion and then I need to pull back and get in some hardcore alone time, but hanging out with lots of different people, either apart, or in the same room, is my ultimate happy place. It's where I feel most comfortable and most like myself.
What took me so long to finally realize that's how I wanted to live that particular aspect of my life? Who knows. But I know I have a better idea and a lot more experiences to draw from, and I'm working on fostering a lot of connections that I had written off or neglected.
I'm an open book, and I'm thankful I'm surrounded by so many incredible people who have cared enough to flip through those pages with me.
Be patient, loving, and kind. Until next time,
-Megan
Sunday, June 29, 2014
The Experience
I read somewhere recently that you should spend money on experiences, not material goods. Well, today I tried.
See, a while back, I did what every poor college kid does, and bought the cheapest stuff I could find at the grocery store. I bought corn tortillas, which ended up being a baaad decision really. What can you do with corn tortillas? They're dry, flaky, and mostly flavorless. Anyways, after a few failed food attempts, I decided I would worry about them later and just focus on my crazy week. So the weekend rolls around, and my mind drifts back to those tortillas...
I started researching recipes, finally landing on taquitos. It felt like a perfect opportunity to cook for the house--and an opportunity to try out a new recipe after my brilliant success with Thai peanut sauce the other day. Because I'm cheap, I decided to go with the corn and black bean recipe and forego the chicken. I already had black beans, so voila! I was in business.
Well, I had to go grocery shopping to pick up some extra stuff: corn, cilantro, garlic, onion, cheese, and guacamole. I also bought a dessert because why not? Family dinner deserves a dessert. I splurged a bit. Anyways, my roommate Alicia and I started our marathon in the kitchen, chopping the onion, garlic, and cilantro. prepping the corn and beans, sweating the garlic and onion, etc. Well, we get to the step in which we had to roll the taquitos and my tortillas just are not cooperating. No matter how hard we tried, they wouldn't hydrate or would just pathetically split. I googled technique after technique and didn't have any luck. Laid out in the pan, they were kinda hideous. Here I had spent all this time and money to try to make a nice dinner and I thought it would be ruined by a bunch of stupid tortillas.
During the prep, I kind of taught Alicia how to dice onions and prep garlic for the first time. We had a lot of good laughs at being domestic. And when I started freaking out, Alicia simply told me that we still had dessert and that McDonald's was just down the street. She even insisted on setting the table, lighting a candle, and putting up the flowers that Katelyn brought home from work. It was a full blown family dinner.
So the taquitos come out of the oven, and while some of them looked a bit rough, they tasted pretty dang good. We also had salsa, sour cream, and guac which helped. After serving after serving of taquitos and a strawberry cheese danish, we agreed that it had all worked out. Not to mention the sheer hilarity of the things that are said when you sit us all down together at one table. Afterwards, Alicia and I cleaned up and did all the dishes, all while joking that perhaps we would not completely fail in being able to complete domestic tasks in our future.
Hell yeah I splurged. Hell yeah it was nerve wracking to think that dinner would fail. And hell yeah it was an awesome experience. To be entirely honest, tonight was one of the best days of my summer so far. Forget my frustrating morning at work, the exhaustion, the tough week ahead. Today I watched a lot of soccer, drank a lot of tea, and spent a lot of time over onions, a hot stove, and a hotter oven.
The experiences are what we want. It's not necessarily the food, but the people you share it with that make a perfect meal. It's not the movie, but the people you get to lean into during the scary parts. It's not the financial cost of taking a trip to Scotland, or moving to Seattle, it's the thrill, the sights, the sounds, the adrenaline, the feeling you get when you hold up that pair of hiking boots that took you 98 miles across the West Highland Way along Loch Lomond.
Spend money on the experiences? don't mind if I do.
Be well. Share your happiness. Live the epic life.
-Megan
See, a while back, I did what every poor college kid does, and bought the cheapest stuff I could find at the grocery store. I bought corn tortillas, which ended up being a baaad decision really. What can you do with corn tortillas? They're dry, flaky, and mostly flavorless. Anyways, after a few failed food attempts, I decided I would worry about them later and just focus on my crazy week. So the weekend rolls around, and my mind drifts back to those tortillas...
I started researching recipes, finally landing on taquitos. It felt like a perfect opportunity to cook for the house--and an opportunity to try out a new recipe after my brilliant success with Thai peanut sauce the other day. Because I'm cheap, I decided to go with the corn and black bean recipe and forego the chicken. I already had black beans, so voila! I was in business.
Well, I had to go grocery shopping to pick up some extra stuff: corn, cilantro, garlic, onion, cheese, and guacamole. I also bought a dessert because why not? Family dinner deserves a dessert. I splurged a bit. Anyways, my roommate Alicia and I started our marathon in the kitchen, chopping the onion, garlic, and cilantro. prepping the corn and beans, sweating the garlic and onion, etc. Well, we get to the step in which we had to roll the taquitos and my tortillas just are not cooperating. No matter how hard we tried, they wouldn't hydrate or would just pathetically split. I googled technique after technique and didn't have any luck. Laid out in the pan, they were kinda hideous. Here I had spent all this time and money to try to make a nice dinner and I thought it would be ruined by a bunch of stupid tortillas.
During the prep, I kind of taught Alicia how to dice onions and prep garlic for the first time. We had a lot of good laughs at being domestic. And when I started freaking out, Alicia simply told me that we still had dessert and that McDonald's was just down the street. She even insisted on setting the table, lighting a candle, and putting up the flowers that Katelyn brought home from work. It was a full blown family dinner.
So the taquitos come out of the oven, and while some of them looked a bit rough, they tasted pretty dang good. We also had salsa, sour cream, and guac which helped. After serving after serving of taquitos and a strawberry cheese danish, we agreed that it had all worked out. Not to mention the sheer hilarity of the things that are said when you sit us all down together at one table. Afterwards, Alicia and I cleaned up and did all the dishes, all while joking that perhaps we would not completely fail in being able to complete domestic tasks in our future.
Hell yeah I splurged. Hell yeah it was nerve wracking to think that dinner would fail. And hell yeah it was an awesome experience. To be entirely honest, tonight was one of the best days of my summer so far. Forget my frustrating morning at work, the exhaustion, the tough week ahead. Today I watched a lot of soccer, drank a lot of tea, and spent a lot of time over onions, a hot stove, and a hotter oven.
The experiences are what we want. It's not necessarily the food, but the people you share it with that make a perfect meal. It's not the movie, but the people you get to lean into during the scary parts. It's not the financial cost of taking a trip to Scotland, or moving to Seattle, it's the thrill, the sights, the sounds, the adrenaline, the feeling you get when you hold up that pair of hiking boots that took you 98 miles across the West Highland Way along Loch Lomond.
Spend money on the experiences? don't mind if I do.
Be well. Share your happiness. Live the epic life.
-Megan
Saturday, June 21, 2014
A Curious Absence of Fear
There's a poem by Robert Burns titled "To a Mouse", which contains a famous line that in simple English translates to:
"But little Mouse, you are not alone,
In proving foresight may be vain:
The best laid schemes of mice and men
Go often askew,
And leave us nothing but grief and pain,"
Fun fact: This poem is the inspiration for the John Steinbeck novel. Another fun fact: Robert Burns wrote the poem, "Auld Lang Syne" which is the basis for the sad song everyone sings on New Years'.
"But little Mouse, you are not alone,
In proving foresight may be vain:
The best laid schemes of mice and men
Go often askew,
And leave us nothing but grief and pain,"
Fun fact: This poem is the inspiration for the John Steinbeck novel. Another fun fact: Robert Burns wrote the poem, "Auld Lang Syne" which is the basis for the sad song everyone sings on New Years'.
Now, I talk about this because I have a heck of a lot of
events coming up. I'm starting senior year, prepping for that (hopefully!)
hiking trip to Scotland, prepping for my Grad school applications and grad
school itself, which would involve a massive uprooting of
my life and moving somewhere out west... I'm on the brink of a massive life
transition. Moving to Undergrad felt risky and unsafe and new... and now it feels
like childs' play compared to what I need to do.
But here's the thing... if you know me, you know how much of
a planner I am. I always play it safe, never take risks, according to my
friend, I never jump without knowing I have a safe place to land. But with all
of this? I'm not afraid. I'm not worried. It worries me how NOT worried I am. I
just want to go out and do it!
I was talking to my friend, Nick, about this Scotland trip.
He went when he was a freshman. After learning it's a 98 mile trek, I remember
drowning in my own excitement, eagerness, or restlessness. I started looking up
incredible hiking boots. :P I know 98 miles may be torture at times, but I WANT
it. I CRAVE it. Years, maybe even as little as months ago, I would be worried
and scared and timid... My anxiety would twist and turn all the cons into
massive, insurmountable obstacles. Not this time.
See, I'm the equivalent of the mouse Robert Burns was
referring to. I planned out my life to the point where everything was safe and
accounted for. The plan was there, I just had to live it out. Well... they went
askew. I did everything I possibly could, with as much diligence as I could,
and I still watched part of my life fall apart in front of me.
A wise professor once told me (while I was crying in her
office) that there is a certain freedom and relief in realizing that every life
situation, even those that we take to be stable, has the chance of ending or suddenly falling apart. As someone who craves stability and plans
everything, I hated it when she said that. But as I'm preparing for my future,
and just trying to live it without knowing what the final product is going to
look like, I can finally appreciate all the merit and truth in her words.
I don't have everything planned out. I have a strategy, but
very few expectations of what it will look like, or sound like, or smell like, or taste like,
when I'm in Scotland or Seattle. I'm just taking every day as it comes.
The last line of the poem? "And forward, though I cannot see. I guess and fear!" That's where I differ from Burn's narrator. I guess and hope and look forward to it all. Come what may.
Be well,
Megan
Saturday, May 31, 2014
Seeing the Big Picture
I woke up to the sound of rain. Soon after, Alicia, one of the housemates, made a pot of amazing coffee and I sat here sipping while watching Game of Thrones.
I talk to Alicia often about when I move away. I'm studying for the GRE every day, and soon I'll kick researching graduate programs into high gear. I've probably mentioned it many times before, but I'll be looking for a program in Seattle, Portland, Denver, or San Francisco. It feels so weird to be in such an amazing place where I am--living in an amazing house, being surrounded by so many loving and supportive people, and loving what I'm studying. This place is truly home, but I know I'll be ready to move on to the next adventure--and I hope that includes a coast, seafood, and good coffee.
See, there's so much more to life than this place and this moment. If there's one big thing that I've been trying to internalize over the last few months, even with everything horrible that's happened, it's that situations change. Sometimes they get worse, and sometimes they get better. My life is now on the upswing and all the pain and sadness I've experienced is only temporary. It's gently fading and giving way to better things. The big picture is that there's more to life than romantic relationships. The big picture is that I have the skills and tools and support to go make it somewhere else. If I keep my nose to the grindstone, meaning I do well on the GRE, do my research, and line all my grad school ducks in a row, there's no reason why I won't be completely fine in Seattle. The big picture is that I'm finally starting to reap the rewards of all the hard work and dedication I've put into the last 7 years of my life.
By nature, I'm a planner. I focus on the future. That's not to say that I'm never affected by the past. Seriously, if I could change the content of my dreams right now, I would say that my life is approaching perfect. But I can still wake up and understand that a dream is a dream and that my reality is perfectly fine. Focusing on the future isn't an excuse to ignore the now. Today I am sitting and enjoying where I'm at. I'm surrounded by people I love and by people who love me. I started to brainstorm people who I'd like to celebrate my birthday with and the list is HUGE. I love that, and I'm so very grateful. I have time and resources to pursue my dreams. That's a wonderful big picture to be living in. The smaller little details are that I'm sitting here, listening to a Yellowcard playlist, sipping coffee. Today I'm going to continue decorating and organizing my room, and I'll probably do laundry. What an amazingly epic feeling--to love the little details and the big picture.
Be well. Be patient. Be loving. Be kind.
-Megan
I talk to Alicia often about when I move away. I'm studying for the GRE every day, and soon I'll kick researching graduate programs into high gear. I've probably mentioned it many times before, but I'll be looking for a program in Seattle, Portland, Denver, or San Francisco. It feels so weird to be in such an amazing place where I am--living in an amazing house, being surrounded by so many loving and supportive people, and loving what I'm studying. This place is truly home, but I know I'll be ready to move on to the next adventure--and I hope that includes a coast, seafood, and good coffee.
See, there's so much more to life than this place and this moment. If there's one big thing that I've been trying to internalize over the last few months, even with everything horrible that's happened, it's that situations change. Sometimes they get worse, and sometimes they get better. My life is now on the upswing and all the pain and sadness I've experienced is only temporary. It's gently fading and giving way to better things. The big picture is that there's more to life than romantic relationships. The big picture is that I have the skills and tools and support to go make it somewhere else. If I keep my nose to the grindstone, meaning I do well on the GRE, do my research, and line all my grad school ducks in a row, there's no reason why I won't be completely fine in Seattle. The big picture is that I'm finally starting to reap the rewards of all the hard work and dedication I've put into the last 7 years of my life.
By nature, I'm a planner. I focus on the future. That's not to say that I'm never affected by the past. Seriously, if I could change the content of my dreams right now, I would say that my life is approaching perfect. But I can still wake up and understand that a dream is a dream and that my reality is perfectly fine. Focusing on the future isn't an excuse to ignore the now. Today I am sitting and enjoying where I'm at. I'm surrounded by people I love and by people who love me. I started to brainstorm people who I'd like to celebrate my birthday with and the list is HUGE. I love that, and I'm so very grateful. I have time and resources to pursue my dreams. That's a wonderful big picture to be living in. The smaller little details are that I'm sitting here, listening to a Yellowcard playlist, sipping coffee. Today I'm going to continue decorating and organizing my room, and I'll probably do laundry. What an amazingly epic feeling--to love the little details and the big picture.
Be well. Be patient. Be loving. Be kind.
-Megan
Tuesday, May 6, 2014
Embracing Sunshine
Well friends, no anxious brain tonight, but certainly a racing heart. This week's combination of too little sleep, too much caffeine, and a few celebratory margaritas have all made it quite unhappy with me. No worries, it'll settle down once I get back into a routine.
So I'm sitting here, sipping peppermint tea and listening to I'd Run Away by The Jayhawks. The truth is though, there's no place I'd rather be than right here, right now. How funny to say that, since I would have given anything to not be me not long ago. Truth is, I feel like everything is falling into place.
My life is once again packed into boxes and over the course of the next week, I will move into The Burrow, our house for the next 12 months. Not only will I be living with three of the most energetic, genuine, and overall amazing people I've ever met, but I'll be surrounded by many incredible faces this summer. Many friends, including recent grads, are living close to me and plans for many happy ventures are already in place. If The Burrow is anything like my friend Rosina's house, it's going to be 12 months of crazy awesomeness. I'm looking forward to many nights in the backyard, blasting music, watching the sunset, and sipping more celebratory margaritas. My song of the summer is Ain't It Fun by Paramore. Look it up, but listen to it with the video--changes the connotation in my opinion.
Life has switched gears, but still feels 100% chaos and 100% relaxed contentment. It's officially summer, and the sun is making more and more of an appearance, even if the wind still keeps a chill. My finals are all done and forgotten and grades are trickling in. So far so good. I don't know what to say about this summer, other than I am overwhelmingly looking forward to all of it. I have so much time, but so many things to do. Soon I will start preparing for the GRE, hardcore researching graduate programs, and getting together with all those friends I mentioned. I also perfectly intend to curl up and watch some heavy amounts of Game of Thrones, Grey's Anatomy, House M.D., and Breaking Bad. Oh, and to convince you that I'm not just going to melt my brain on Netflix, I also plan to read exorbitant amounts of John Irving novels.
I am happy and content, but also cautious. Life has a terrible impermanence to it. This last week, I watched many friends graduate, which was all a bundle of sad, happy, nostalgic emotional everything. That will be me sooner than I think, but before then, I still have some crazy things to do. With luck, I'll go to Scotland (as I mentioned in the last post) but I'll also write and perform a lot of poetry, write a lot of non-fiction essays, play with rats, make some pottery, grade some psychology assignments, and go to a giant writing conference. If I get my ducks in a row, I'll also present at a conference in Illinois and work on more research-related things. After that, I'll graduate and move somewhere far away. Life is impermanent.
For now though, it's summer. And I am fully embracing the sun and the time... even though I might have to bring an umbrella to work today...
Peace and epicness,
-Megan
So I'm sitting here, sipping peppermint tea and listening to I'd Run Away by The Jayhawks. The truth is though, there's no place I'd rather be than right here, right now. How funny to say that, since I would have given anything to not be me not long ago. Truth is, I feel like everything is falling into place.
My life is once again packed into boxes and over the course of the next week, I will move into The Burrow, our house for the next 12 months. Not only will I be living with three of the most energetic, genuine, and overall amazing people I've ever met, but I'll be surrounded by many incredible faces this summer. Many friends, including recent grads, are living close to me and plans for many happy ventures are already in place. If The Burrow is anything like my friend Rosina's house, it's going to be 12 months of crazy awesomeness. I'm looking forward to many nights in the backyard, blasting music, watching the sunset, and sipping more celebratory margaritas. My song of the summer is Ain't It Fun by Paramore. Look it up, but listen to it with the video--changes the connotation in my opinion.
Life has switched gears, but still feels 100% chaos and 100% relaxed contentment. It's officially summer, and the sun is making more and more of an appearance, even if the wind still keeps a chill. My finals are all done and forgotten and grades are trickling in. So far so good. I don't know what to say about this summer, other than I am overwhelmingly looking forward to all of it. I have so much time, but so many things to do. Soon I will start preparing for the GRE, hardcore researching graduate programs, and getting together with all those friends I mentioned. I also perfectly intend to curl up and watch some heavy amounts of Game of Thrones, Grey's Anatomy, House M.D., and Breaking Bad. Oh, and to convince you that I'm not just going to melt my brain on Netflix, I also plan to read exorbitant amounts of John Irving novels.
I am happy and content, but also cautious. Life has a terrible impermanence to it. This last week, I watched many friends graduate, which was all a bundle of sad, happy, nostalgic emotional everything. That will be me sooner than I think, but before then, I still have some crazy things to do. With luck, I'll go to Scotland (as I mentioned in the last post) but I'll also write and perform a lot of poetry, write a lot of non-fiction essays, play with rats, make some pottery, grade some psychology assignments, and go to a giant writing conference. If I get my ducks in a row, I'll also present at a conference in Illinois and work on more research-related things. After that, I'll graduate and move somewhere far away. Life is impermanent.
For now though, it's summer. And I am fully embracing the sun and the time... even though I might have to bring an umbrella to work today...
Peace and epicness,
-Megan
Sunday, April 27, 2014
Embracing Rain
It's been a while since I've blogged. But tonight I have an anxious brain, so maybe this will help. And maybe I'll entertain someone who's also up later than they intended to be.
I hate rain. Lately though, my life feels like it has contained a lot of it--both literally and figuratively--and it might continue to do so. It feels like the last two months have been some of the worst and best of my life. I'm still healing. I would be being dishonest if I said I still wasn't experiencing a lot of hurt and sadness over my breakup with Nicole. I've always been someone who feels and loves intensely. I've had to learn a lot of things throughout this entire experience, some that I never wanted to, or never thought I would have to. There's a pretty sharp learning curve to suddenly going from being 1/2 of what you thought and hoped was a strong duo, to being single. It's been hard, but as a friend told me, the most important life lessons are both the hardest and easiest to learn.
There are definite silver linings, and some of that learning is easy and wonderful and new. There's something beautiful and redeeming in being so open and so vulnerable. I won't say there's beauty in being shattered. I was never shattered, even though I thought I was for a short time. I was just a bit bruised up. But even so, I am so happy and glad that I allowed my heart to be open, and if anything, it feels even more so now. I have never, ever regretted it. An open heart leaves you vulnerable to the worst that life can throw at you, but it also lets in the most amazing things--people, music, anything and everything incredible to experience. Lately I want to experience everything and connect with everyone. I want to form every thought and opinion straight from my own experiences. And, I want to jump into said experiences with openness. So far it has allowed me to connect with incredible people in ways I didn't let myself before. There's a weight and a great deal of meaning that comes with knowing that you are completely responsible and in control of your own life, and for me, that also comes with the incredible desire to be happy, content, and proud of who I am as a person and of how I connect with other people. Sticking with the honesty of this post, I do feel that way--more than ever before.
Back to the rain idea. There's a lot of built up desire and momentum in me, and there are a lot of dreams I not only want to chase, but want to actually catch. I feel drawn to Seattle for my grad work, even though I hate rain. I dunno, I just really want someplace big, and liberal, and full of amazing coffee and seafood. Oh, and an ocean. That sounds awfully nice as well. If Seattle doesn't happen, other possibilities include Portland, San Francisco, and Denver. I just need an adventure I think. I need hard work and late nights and city lights and to feel small and large at the same time.
More immediately, I am dead set on doing everything I can to go to Scotland in October. It's pretty much walking across Scotland for a week and sleeping at B&Bs. I just want that really long walk! I want to reach the end and be proud of that mental and physical accomplishment. I was told I would need a good pair of hiking boots and a high quality rain coat. Once again, I hate rain...or... hated rain. There are other things too--I kind of really want to take piano lessons on an impulse. I want to be on stage and act again, even if it's for a 10 minute scene. I want to have a psychology honors thesis next Spring. I want to hit the gym this summer. I want to present at MBLGTACC in Normal, Illinois in February. I want to say screw it and actually sing at a karaoke bar. And, maybe I want to drink a little too much one night while watching Golden Girls with incredible friends.
I want to live in a way that allows me to feel everything, but I don't want that to be a temporary desire I'm just feeling now as I'm 21 (soon to be 22). I want to live that way forever. I want to be open, accepting, and vulnerable to every heartache, every perfect song on the radio, every anxiety attack, and every moment of pure loving kindness.
I want to be able to embrace every single raindrop.
Live an epic life. I'm trying to.
-Megan
I hate rain. Lately though, my life feels like it has contained a lot of it--both literally and figuratively--and it might continue to do so. It feels like the last two months have been some of the worst and best of my life. I'm still healing. I would be being dishonest if I said I still wasn't experiencing a lot of hurt and sadness over my breakup with Nicole. I've always been someone who feels and loves intensely. I've had to learn a lot of things throughout this entire experience, some that I never wanted to, or never thought I would have to. There's a pretty sharp learning curve to suddenly going from being 1/2 of what you thought and hoped was a strong duo, to being single. It's been hard, but as a friend told me, the most important life lessons are both the hardest and easiest to learn.
There are definite silver linings, and some of that learning is easy and wonderful and new. There's something beautiful and redeeming in being so open and so vulnerable. I won't say there's beauty in being shattered. I was never shattered, even though I thought I was for a short time. I was just a bit bruised up. But even so, I am so happy and glad that I allowed my heart to be open, and if anything, it feels even more so now. I have never, ever regretted it. An open heart leaves you vulnerable to the worst that life can throw at you, but it also lets in the most amazing things--people, music, anything and everything incredible to experience. Lately I want to experience everything and connect with everyone. I want to form every thought and opinion straight from my own experiences. And, I want to jump into said experiences with openness. So far it has allowed me to connect with incredible people in ways I didn't let myself before. There's a weight and a great deal of meaning that comes with knowing that you are completely responsible and in control of your own life, and for me, that also comes with the incredible desire to be happy, content, and proud of who I am as a person and of how I connect with other people. Sticking with the honesty of this post, I do feel that way--more than ever before.
Back to the rain idea. There's a lot of built up desire and momentum in me, and there are a lot of dreams I not only want to chase, but want to actually catch. I feel drawn to Seattle for my grad work, even though I hate rain. I dunno, I just really want someplace big, and liberal, and full of amazing coffee and seafood. Oh, and an ocean. That sounds awfully nice as well. If Seattle doesn't happen, other possibilities include Portland, San Francisco, and Denver. I just need an adventure I think. I need hard work and late nights and city lights and to feel small and large at the same time.
More immediately, I am dead set on doing everything I can to go to Scotland in October. It's pretty much walking across Scotland for a week and sleeping at B&Bs. I just want that really long walk! I want to reach the end and be proud of that mental and physical accomplishment. I was told I would need a good pair of hiking boots and a high quality rain coat. Once again, I hate rain...or... hated rain. There are other things too--I kind of really want to take piano lessons on an impulse. I want to be on stage and act again, even if it's for a 10 minute scene. I want to have a psychology honors thesis next Spring. I want to hit the gym this summer. I want to present at MBLGTACC in Normal, Illinois in February. I want to say screw it and actually sing at a karaoke bar. And, maybe I want to drink a little too much one night while watching Golden Girls with incredible friends.
I want to live in a way that allows me to feel everything, but I don't want that to be a temporary desire I'm just feeling now as I'm 21 (soon to be 22). I want to live that way forever. I want to be open, accepting, and vulnerable to every heartache, every perfect song on the radio, every anxiety attack, and every moment of pure loving kindness.
I want to be able to embrace every single raindrop.
Live an epic life. I'm trying to.
-Megan
Thursday, August 23, 2012
"I'm just fine here finding me."
By the way, that title comes from the song "Finding Me" by Vertical Horizon.
Reader, I just got done eating a plate full of Eggo chocolate chip waffles. It reminded me of childhood and also of those times when my mom would dig out the actual waffle maker and make them from scratch. That's been the entire week for me--throwbacks to childhood. I drank 7up and ate popsicles yesterday.
I've spent the last few days struggling about what to write for this post. Sure I could talk about what it feels like to be going back to campus in two days, but I won't. The only thing I'll say is this: If last year felt like a timid dipping in of the toes into college life, then this year feels like a running plunge, complete with student activism and new opportunities. Oh, and the water doesn't even feel cold. Instead, I'm going to talk about something else and something probably more broad.
Today marks the 3rd anniversary of the death of my aunt Mary, and I will always be thankful for her influence on my life, which shows itself now more than ever. That's true with all the aunts on my dad's side. I see distinct aspects of myself in each of them as I get older, but it comes not from intentional shaping on their part...
I don't exactly know how to phrase everything, but everyone needs the freedom to find their own way--that's not to undervalue good, strong guidance and influence, but that guidance should open doors to all sorts of life experiences instead of closing some off. Maybe I'm naive in thinking that if people are not forced down a certain path and instead are left to their own devices, they will naturally gravitate towards choices that lead to their own brand of a happy and fulfilling life.
I'm glad I feel like the latter is becoming more and more my reality. Certain influences are causing me to pursue happiness in my own way, not because they're consciously trying to, but because they're leading or have led by wonderful example and a sort of hands off approach. You don't have to tell someone who to be, you just have to be someone they admire to make a difference in their life.
All of it has reinforced the idea in me that I'm going to be just fine if I'm allowed to live at my own pace and make my own decisions.
Peace, be well, be epic, and I'll probably be back to campus the next time you hear from me.
-Megan
Reader, I just got done eating a plate full of Eggo chocolate chip waffles. It reminded me of childhood and also of those times when my mom would dig out the actual waffle maker and make them from scratch. That's been the entire week for me--throwbacks to childhood. I drank 7up and ate popsicles yesterday.
I've spent the last few days struggling about what to write for this post. Sure I could talk about what it feels like to be going back to campus in two days, but I won't. The only thing I'll say is this: If last year felt like a timid dipping in of the toes into college life, then this year feels like a running plunge, complete with student activism and new opportunities. Oh, and the water doesn't even feel cold. Instead, I'm going to talk about something else and something probably more broad.
Today marks the 3rd anniversary of the death of my aunt Mary, and I will always be thankful for her influence on my life, which shows itself now more than ever. That's true with all the aunts on my dad's side. I see distinct aspects of myself in each of them as I get older, but it comes not from intentional shaping on their part...
I don't exactly know how to phrase everything, but everyone needs the freedom to find their own way--that's not to undervalue good, strong guidance and influence, but that guidance should open doors to all sorts of life experiences instead of closing some off. Maybe I'm naive in thinking that if people are not forced down a certain path and instead are left to their own devices, they will naturally gravitate towards choices that lead to their own brand of a happy and fulfilling life.
I'm glad I feel like the latter is becoming more and more my reality. Certain influences are causing me to pursue happiness in my own way, not because they're consciously trying to, but because they're leading or have led by wonderful example and a sort of hands off approach. You don't have to tell someone who to be, you just have to be someone they admire to make a difference in their life.
All of it has reinforced the idea in me that I'm going to be just fine if I'm allowed to live at my own pace and make my own decisions.
Peace, be well, be epic, and I'll probably be back to campus the next time you hear from me.
-Megan
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
"Do you believe that time heals all wounds?"
Dear Reader, that title comes from one of my favorite songs by Skillet titled The Older I Get, and since it just popped into my head and this post will be mostly about time, I figured it was a good fit. So, I'm sipping a Sunkist pop while munching on cucumbers and ranch. My taste buds are happy and life is good. I can't remember the last time I had a Sunkist--I looked at the can and it says, "Celebrate 20 years of dreams" I smiled at how fitting it seemed since I'm still adjusting to that whole "being 20" thing, and to my knowledge, have had an awful lot of dreams in that time. Still do.
Now to that whole "time" thing. I guess I've never really met anyone who was fully content with the pace at which time changes things. Sure, hindsight is 20/20, and eventually we get to a point where we see distinct differences between who we are and who we were, but waiting to get there isn't always easy.
I used to hate the saying "Time heals all wounds." absolutely hate it. I was much more in the camp of "Time forms a scab capable of being ripped open at any moment. Then some pretty ugly scar tissue forms which is usually very painful in its own way." I guess healing took place with both but "time heals all wounds" seemed far too sugar coated and simplistic for the cynical little me. Now that I'm older, I can understand the reasoning behind the phrase a little more. It's just hard to wait for time to do its job, especially when no one will ever know how much time is necessary.
For the record, I still find the phrase a little too simplistic. I think "time" has to be seen as an umbrella term in this case which encompasses a heck of a lot more than just the ticking of a clock. Time needs a little bit of help sometimes, whether that's the right person showing up at the right time, a lucky break, an animal--anything. Time exposes you to agents of change and agents of healing, and even though there might be a lot of pain involved in waiting for that healing, it will come. And you'll be able to feel it when it finally does--even if it took a lot longer than you were hoping or expecting.
Be epic, be well, and enjoy the last few days of summer.
-Megan
Now to that whole "time" thing. I guess I've never really met anyone who was fully content with the pace at which time changes things. Sure, hindsight is 20/20, and eventually we get to a point where we see distinct differences between who we are and who we were, but waiting to get there isn't always easy.
I used to hate the saying "Time heals all wounds." absolutely hate it. I was much more in the camp of "Time forms a scab capable of being ripped open at any moment. Then some pretty ugly scar tissue forms which is usually very painful in its own way." I guess healing took place with both but "time heals all wounds" seemed far too sugar coated and simplistic for the cynical little me. Now that I'm older, I can understand the reasoning behind the phrase a little more. It's just hard to wait for time to do its job, especially when no one will ever know how much time is necessary.
For the record, I still find the phrase a little too simplistic. I think "time" has to be seen as an umbrella term in this case which encompasses a heck of a lot more than just the ticking of a clock. Time needs a little bit of help sometimes, whether that's the right person showing up at the right time, a lucky break, an animal--anything. Time exposes you to agents of change and agents of healing, and even though there might be a lot of pain involved in waiting for that healing, it will come. And you'll be able to feel it when it finally does--even if it took a lot longer than you were hoping or expecting.
Be epic, be well, and enjoy the last few days of summer.
-Megan
Thursday, August 2, 2012
Wanderlust
Good afternoon Reader, I hope you've had a nice Thursday so far. I've always liked Thursdays--I spent about two hours almost every Thursday for 8 years as a martial arts student and assistant instructor. I just think Thursdays are good in general.
I have worn the self-imposed mental label of malcontent for a very long time now. I am not so sure I was right when I gave myself the label, but so far, this summer has involved long stretches of discontented solitude punctuated by periods of absolutely lovely chaos. Ultmately, it will go down as the summer of travel and wanderlust. Wanderlust, by the way, is a strong, innate desire to rove or travel about. I've seen and understood the phenomenon in other people, but this is the first time I remember it being so tangible in myself.
I rarely travel. I've been lucky enough to travel all over Minnesota, but my extended family is so centralized here that we have little reason to travel out of state other than for traveling's sake alone--which we never do. (Oh, and I actually despise living out of a suitcase, but have discovered it's a non-issue if you're with the right people.) My recent adventures to Iowa for MBLGTACC '12 and all over the south for the National Youth Gathering coupled with the fact that I've been glued to the Olympics has sparked in me wanderlust like no other. Not to mention that the National Youth Gathering will be in Detroit in 2015--I hope to go if I am able, and MBLGTACC '13 is in Lansing, Michigan. I've been considering forming my second semester schedule in a way that makes it most convenient for me. :P
I leave in two days for another adventure, this time it's a week long semi-working vacation as I tag along to a camp in the northern part of North Dakota. I need to decide whether or not I want to work there next summer, and my parents have taken that as meaning I'd be moving out once and for all. A very rational conclusion, but intimidating all the same.
All this recent pounding of pavement has served to define my traveling likes and dislikes. I've decided I much prefer travel by road vs. air. Planes are fun, but it's far too Point A and Point B for me. It really negates that all-important line segment in the middle. It cuts down on the potential of the journey. Plus I like to drive. :P When I think about it, the superficial demarcation lines on a map serve as a mental barrier. To me, Louisiana felt worlds and worlds away, but as I was on the roads, I realized that while I was seeing landscapes and cultures shift, I was never seeing any sort of severing of a connection. There is no giant line in the sand separating us completely. The only real barrier I now feel between me and anywhere else, is time. I've heard it's a Midwestern thing to measure distance in time. I'm two and half hours from the Fargo-Moorhead area, The Twin Cities are about an hour away from where I live, etc. I feel like the means to go somewhere is rarely what holds us back--the real problem involves time. Give me enough time and I'll be able to get anywhere... And I guess from now on I'll be trying to listen to the part of me asking for that time.
Wanderlust or not, this influx of travel has been epic and I hope it continues.
Be well and be lovely,
Megan
I have worn the self-imposed mental label of malcontent for a very long time now. I am not so sure I was right when I gave myself the label, but so far, this summer has involved long stretches of discontented solitude punctuated by periods of absolutely lovely chaos. Ultmately, it will go down as the summer of travel and wanderlust. Wanderlust, by the way, is a strong, innate desire to rove or travel about. I've seen and understood the phenomenon in other people, but this is the first time I remember it being so tangible in myself.
I rarely travel. I've been lucky enough to travel all over Minnesota, but my extended family is so centralized here that we have little reason to travel out of state other than for traveling's sake alone--which we never do. (Oh, and I actually despise living out of a suitcase, but have discovered it's a non-issue if you're with the right people.) My recent adventures to Iowa for MBLGTACC '12 and all over the south for the National Youth Gathering coupled with the fact that I've been glued to the Olympics has sparked in me wanderlust like no other. Not to mention that the National Youth Gathering will be in Detroit in 2015--I hope to go if I am able, and MBLGTACC '13 is in Lansing, Michigan. I've been considering forming my second semester schedule in a way that makes it most convenient for me. :P
I leave in two days for another adventure, this time it's a week long semi-working vacation as I tag along to a camp in the northern part of North Dakota. I need to decide whether or not I want to work there next summer, and my parents have taken that as meaning I'd be moving out once and for all. A very rational conclusion, but intimidating all the same.
All this recent pounding of pavement has served to define my traveling likes and dislikes. I've decided I much prefer travel by road vs. air. Planes are fun, but it's far too Point A and Point B for me. It really negates that all-important line segment in the middle. It cuts down on the potential of the journey. Plus I like to drive. :P When I think about it, the superficial demarcation lines on a map serve as a mental barrier. To me, Louisiana felt worlds and worlds away, but as I was on the roads, I realized that while I was seeing landscapes and cultures shift, I was never seeing any sort of severing of a connection. There is no giant line in the sand separating us completely. The only real barrier I now feel between me and anywhere else, is time. I've heard it's a Midwestern thing to measure distance in time. I'm two and half hours from the Fargo-Moorhead area, The Twin Cities are about an hour away from where I live, etc. I feel like the means to go somewhere is rarely what holds us back--the real problem involves time. Give me enough time and I'll be able to get anywhere... And I guess from now on I'll be trying to listen to the part of me asking for that time.
Wanderlust or not, this influx of travel has been epic and I hope it continues.
Be well and be lovely,
Megan
Sunday, July 29, 2012
Touchy Subject Matter
Good morning Reader! I hope your last two weeks have been whatever you needed them to be. Mine were adventurous to say the least. Maybe I'll blog about it later, but if you want to know something, just ask me personally. It's difficult to find a place to start or pick out the most important parts and lay them out in a blog post--but know that I'm always open for questions of any kind.
Up until this point, My Epic Life has involved a lot of sugar-coated optimism, and sometimes that's what a blog needs to be. That's kind of where and why this particular blog originated. But, there are a lot more wondrous things out there that don't necessarily involve wide eyed smiles and a feeling of glee. I'll explain more later.
I equate change and its effects to swallowing pills. Sometimes it's too much at one time to be comfortable, sometimes it's barely noticeable, other times you fight it tooth and nail, and sometimes you're so eager for the effects that you take whatever you can get your hands on and go overboard. Change can be everything and nothing--that is it can be one of four things. 1. Your situations can change and you can stay the same. 2. Your situation can change and you can change along with it. 3. Your situation can stay the same and you choose to change anyways. 4. Nothing changes.
So if you knew me, really knew me, maybe you'd know what I was studying in school, some of the things I've been involved in, how I lean politically etc. If I brought up religion, and you were under the impression I was non-religious, I wouldn't be surprised in the slightest. My religious beliefs tend to stay in the personal realm. I don't broadcast anything, and if it does come up in anything other than an intellectually based conversation, it's in a very specific context like a poem or something like that.
If you prompted me to talk about religion, especially organized religion, you might see me cringe slightly. You might hear me talk about the crusades, Spanish Inquisition, canonical bible, or other historical facts and figures. You might hear me mention that people report feeling the presence of God during seizures originating in the temporal lobe. You might hear me talk about taking a class on the rationality of faith. With deeper probing, you might hear me talk about my experiences involving the abuses of religious authority in my own hometown or in my own church. I might tell you about how much pain and suffering I know religious teachings to have caused other people, some very close to me.
Even deeper probing might cause me to joke a little bit about how hearing Green Day for the first time was a religious experience. Or, I might get serious and tell you what I pray about, or I might mention situations involving things like coyotes, baby bunnies, tree frogs, songs on the radio, and a book by Brent Runyon, that I can't always easily explain. I might even tell you about my atheist, agnostic, or non-mainstream religious friends who have demonstrated more love and respect towards Christians than Christians have ever shown in return--or I might talk about how faith has let my grandmother continue to smile despite burying three children, her husband, and I don't know how many siblings.
Hopefully you kind of get a sense of how I go about religion. It's a live and let live situation where I don't bother you and you don't bother me on matters of personal belief. Given all of that, my adventure to the 2012 ELCA (Evangelical Lutheran Church in America) National Youth Gathering, held in New Orleans, might seem like a curve ball, and frankly, it was. However, if there exists some sort of mechanism that balances out the earth and individual experience, then my adventure contained traces of that mechanism. At the very least, it has initiated a slight shift in opinion, or at least a recognition that there exists people and organizations lying in direct contrast to my own previous experiences.
I could now tell you about being soaking wet and singing in the middle of a raging storm on the streets of NOLA with 38 of my adopted relatives. I could tell you about hearing heavily tattooed pastor, Nadia Bolz-Weber speak about the nature of God. I could tell you about hearing Nobel Peace Prize Laureate, Leymah Gbowee, speak about hope. I could tell you about hearing Shane Claiborne, who was arrested for feeding the homeless of Philadelphia, speak about radical love. I could tell you what it's like to ride through the 9th ward and lower 9th ward on a silent coach bus during the middle of a flash flood, and still see the vivid scars of Hurricane Katrina present on the landscape. As I have said before and will say again, I remain cautiously optimistic in regards to my experiences, but I could tell you all sorts of things now involving religion and religious belief that I don't think I could have told you before, nor would I have necessarily believed if I wasn't experiencing it firsthand--and that is a surprisingly sweet pill to swallow.
Peace. Be well.
-Megan
Up until this point, My Epic Life has involved a lot of sugar-coated optimism, and sometimes that's what a blog needs to be. That's kind of where and why this particular blog originated. But, there are a lot more wondrous things out there that don't necessarily involve wide eyed smiles and a feeling of glee. I'll explain more later.
I equate change and its effects to swallowing pills. Sometimes it's too much at one time to be comfortable, sometimes it's barely noticeable, other times you fight it tooth and nail, and sometimes you're so eager for the effects that you take whatever you can get your hands on and go overboard. Change can be everything and nothing--that is it can be one of four things. 1. Your situations can change and you can stay the same. 2. Your situation can change and you can change along with it. 3. Your situation can stay the same and you choose to change anyways. 4. Nothing changes.
So if you knew me, really knew me, maybe you'd know what I was studying in school, some of the things I've been involved in, how I lean politically etc. If I brought up religion, and you were under the impression I was non-religious, I wouldn't be surprised in the slightest. My religious beliefs tend to stay in the personal realm. I don't broadcast anything, and if it does come up in anything other than an intellectually based conversation, it's in a very specific context like a poem or something like that.
If you prompted me to talk about religion, especially organized religion, you might see me cringe slightly. You might hear me talk about the crusades, Spanish Inquisition, canonical bible, or other historical facts and figures. You might hear me mention that people report feeling the presence of God during seizures originating in the temporal lobe. You might hear me talk about taking a class on the rationality of faith. With deeper probing, you might hear me talk about my experiences involving the abuses of religious authority in my own hometown or in my own church. I might tell you about how much pain and suffering I know religious teachings to have caused other people, some very close to me.
Even deeper probing might cause me to joke a little bit about how hearing Green Day for the first time was a religious experience. Or, I might get serious and tell you what I pray about, or I might mention situations involving things like coyotes, baby bunnies, tree frogs, songs on the radio, and a book by Brent Runyon, that I can't always easily explain. I might even tell you about my atheist, agnostic, or non-mainstream religious friends who have demonstrated more love and respect towards Christians than Christians have ever shown in return--or I might talk about how faith has let my grandmother continue to smile despite burying three children, her husband, and I don't know how many siblings.
Hopefully you kind of get a sense of how I go about religion. It's a live and let live situation where I don't bother you and you don't bother me on matters of personal belief. Given all of that, my adventure to the 2012 ELCA (Evangelical Lutheran Church in America) National Youth Gathering, held in New Orleans, might seem like a curve ball, and frankly, it was. However, if there exists some sort of mechanism that balances out the earth and individual experience, then my adventure contained traces of that mechanism. At the very least, it has initiated a slight shift in opinion, or at least a recognition that there exists people and organizations lying in direct contrast to my own previous experiences.
I could now tell you about being soaking wet and singing in the middle of a raging storm on the streets of NOLA with 38 of my adopted relatives. I could tell you about hearing heavily tattooed pastor, Nadia Bolz-Weber speak about the nature of God. I could tell you about hearing Nobel Peace Prize Laureate, Leymah Gbowee, speak about hope. I could tell you about hearing Shane Claiborne, who was arrested for feeding the homeless of Philadelphia, speak about radical love. I could tell you what it's like to ride through the 9th ward and lower 9th ward on a silent coach bus during the middle of a flash flood, and still see the vivid scars of Hurricane Katrina present on the landscape. As I have said before and will say again, I remain cautiously optimistic in regards to my experiences, but I could tell you all sorts of things now involving religion and religious belief that I don't think I could have told you before, nor would I have necessarily believed if I wasn't experiencing it firsthand--and that is a surprisingly sweet pill to swallow.
Peace. Be well.
-Megan
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
How to be surprised!
This is a copy of my most recent post on Dorm Room 718.
1. Believe everything people tell you. There's no way they're not telling you the whole truth.
2. Underestimate your friends.
3. Underestimate your parents.
4. Refrain from texting people because you don't want to impose. It will give them time to drive to your town.
5. Tell everyone where you're going and the exact time you leave. It will give them time to call your parents.
In case you didn't hear--but you probably did--I had quite the birthday. First things first, birthdays are not a big thing in my family. You get a cake if you're lucky. We'll take you out to your favorite restaurant eventually, but they've never been super celebrated. For the record, it's not that we never celebrate, we just do it when it's convenient. I've always celebrated my birthday on July 3rd when my family gets together because the church and town throws a party. Three of us grandkids have birthdays in July so it's nice and convenient. Plus there's a fireworks show. Sometimes I'll have a bonfire in late July or early August if I'm feeling motivated.
I did not expect anything different this year. I really didn't. Every time Nicole would mention my birthday, I told her I wasn't planning anything. She would always get upset and the conversation would end with something like:
Nicole: You're so frustrating. You're driving me crazy.
Me: I'm sorry, I told you I might do something in August.
So the night before my birthday, I was feeling a little weird about turning 20. It's a scary number, especially when you feel like you should be taller or just feel older. I was talking to Nicole when Melissa asked me to come over and watch a movie. I asked Nicole if I should go and she told me I should. Mind you, this was 11:45 at night. I knew Nicole had something to do with it, I thought she put Melissa up to it. I decided to go to get my mind off things and when I walked downstairs, there was a figure in a hoodie just chilling on the couch. I thought it was Melissa's sister, until the figure started laughing. Helloooo Nicole. Surprise #1. At that point I thought that was the extent of the surprise. I had no reason to believe anything else. I was in complete and utter shock. For weeks I had heard her griping about how she was working that weekend. I smiled for the rest of the night--until I went to bed at 4 am.
Melissa and Nicole wanted to take me out for lunch the next day, but I declined, saying I had a grad party to go to. Nicole told me the grad party started at 2...at which point I knew this was a lot deeper than I thought and that my parents knew about this. Surprise #2. So they took me out to lunch the next day and we made plans to hook up with Melissa after she got off work at 9. Meanwhile, Nicole and I headed to that grad party. After that, we went to my place, rented a movie, and I started to wind down for what I thought would be a relaxing night. I decided to check the mail, at which point Nicole told me she told people to write letters to me. Surprise #3.
We took some time to chill before watching the film when all of a sudden my doorbell rang. Nicole ran to go get it and at THAT point, I knew I was in for much, much more. Surprise #4. My friends started showing up and I was treated to my first ever surprise party, which included having packing peanuts poured on me multiple times and one heck of a cake. My parents knew about everything. Everything.
I had no reason to suspect anything. No one made me suspect anything and even if there were hints, I never picked up on them. Nicole has never been dishonest and this has dealt a serious blow to my trust! :P Maybe this is what I get for befriending people with acting experience? After reluctantly kicking people out because we both had horribly early mornings, we went to bed. As I was practically in tears out of pure happiness and awe that someone had put in so much time and effort to throw me a party, Nicole said, "I told you, I just like birthdays." Go figure.
And that is how to let someone surprise you. Needless to say, Melissa and Nicole turned turning 20 into an event I won't soon forget. My life is truly epic.
With love and hugs,
Megan
1. Believe everything people tell you. There's no way they're not telling you the whole truth.
2. Underestimate your friends.
3. Underestimate your parents.
4. Refrain from texting people because you don't want to impose. It will give them time to drive to your town.
5. Tell everyone where you're going and the exact time you leave. It will give them time to call your parents.
In case you didn't hear--but you probably did--I had quite the birthday. First things first, birthdays are not a big thing in my family. You get a cake if you're lucky. We'll take you out to your favorite restaurant eventually, but they've never been super celebrated. For the record, it's not that we never celebrate, we just do it when it's convenient. I've always celebrated my birthday on July 3rd when my family gets together because the church and town throws a party. Three of us grandkids have birthdays in July so it's nice and convenient. Plus there's a fireworks show. Sometimes I'll have a bonfire in late July or early August if I'm feeling motivated.
I did not expect anything different this year. I really didn't. Every time Nicole would mention my birthday, I told her I wasn't planning anything. She would always get upset and the conversation would end with something like:
Nicole: You're so frustrating. You're driving me crazy.
Me: I'm sorry, I told you I might do something in August.
So the night before my birthday, I was feeling a little weird about turning 20. It's a scary number, especially when you feel like you should be taller or just feel older. I was talking to Nicole when Melissa asked me to come over and watch a movie. I asked Nicole if I should go and she told me I should. Mind you, this was 11:45 at night. I knew Nicole had something to do with it, I thought she put Melissa up to it. I decided to go to get my mind off things and when I walked downstairs, there was a figure in a hoodie just chilling on the couch. I thought it was Melissa's sister, until the figure started laughing. Helloooo Nicole. Surprise #1. At that point I thought that was the extent of the surprise. I had no reason to believe anything else. I was in complete and utter shock. For weeks I had heard her griping about how she was working that weekend. I smiled for the rest of the night--until I went to bed at 4 am.
Melissa and Nicole wanted to take me out for lunch the next day, but I declined, saying I had a grad party to go to. Nicole told me the grad party started at 2...at which point I knew this was a lot deeper than I thought and that my parents knew about this. Surprise #2. So they took me out to lunch the next day and we made plans to hook up with Melissa after she got off work at 9. Meanwhile, Nicole and I headed to that grad party. After that, we went to my place, rented a movie, and I started to wind down for what I thought would be a relaxing night. I decided to check the mail, at which point Nicole told me she told people to write letters to me. Surprise #3.
We took some time to chill before watching the film when all of a sudden my doorbell rang. Nicole ran to go get it and at THAT point, I knew I was in for much, much more. Surprise #4. My friends started showing up and I was treated to my first ever surprise party, which included having packing peanuts poured on me multiple times and one heck of a cake. My parents knew about everything. Everything.
I had no reason to suspect anything. No one made me suspect anything and even if there were hints, I never picked up on them. Nicole has never been dishonest and this has dealt a serious blow to my trust! :P Maybe this is what I get for befriending people with acting experience? After reluctantly kicking people out because we both had horribly early mornings, we went to bed. As I was practically in tears out of pure happiness and awe that someone had put in so much time and effort to throw me a party, Nicole said, "I told you, I just like birthdays." Go figure.
And that is how to let someone surprise you. Needless to say, Melissa and Nicole turned turning 20 into an event I won't soon forget. My life is truly epic.
With love and hugs,
Megan
Saturday, June 30, 2012
Grad Parties
I sincerely hope your summer is eventful and you're staying cool in the heat wave. I hear it's supposed to last all week. Oh well, it's a taste of what the New Orleans trip might be like. ;) Two weeks! I can't contain myself much longer.
Summertime for us freshman coming back home and for the graduating high school seniors means one thing: Grad parties. In my area, they last well into July if not all summer. I hear that's a little bit strange but it's how we do. Last weekend I went to parties for my friends Sabrina, and Taylor. This weekend I went to the party for my friend Kendra (who is a future Cobber!) and next week I'll go to a party for my cousin,William.
Grad parties are epic for several reasons. You've got the food, everything from taco bars to pulled pork sandwiches, all sorts of salads, and ice cream! Oh, and anyone with a chocolate fountain gets some major points from me. Grad parties have been a wonderful opportunity for me to see friends who weren't in my graduating class, and to talk a bit about college and answer any questions. It's been lovely, but coming back and going to all these grad parties has made one thing painfully evident... how much of a difference a year makes.
We, meaning my graduating class and I, are in a completely and totally different phase of life than just a year ago. I don't necessarily believe it's an issue of drifting apart, but everyone is off doing their own thing, living their own lives. I expected to see certain people, and I didn't. In some ways the grad party ushers in this phase of consciously removing yourself from a group state of mind and basing your decisions on yourself and what you need.
I always say that leaving my hometown for college was one of the best decisions I ever made. I will always stand by that statement, because I didn't compromise my happiness for ease. To their credit, I believe all my graduating friends have understood the importance of doing what's right for them and have acted accordingly. I'm proud of all of them. I think the summer before you leave for college is the best and worst possible. You do whatever you can to have as much fun as possible, but the impending separation is too tangible to ignore.
It may be painful, but it can also be exciting and wonderful at the same time. I guess a lot of changes in life are like that...
Be well, stay cool.
All my love,
Megan
Summertime for us freshman coming back home and for the graduating high school seniors means one thing: Grad parties. In my area, they last well into July if not all summer. I hear that's a little bit strange but it's how we do. Last weekend I went to parties for my friends Sabrina, and Taylor. This weekend I went to the party for my friend Kendra (who is a future Cobber!) and next week I'll go to a party for my cousin,William.
Grad parties are epic for several reasons. You've got the food, everything from taco bars to pulled pork sandwiches, all sorts of salads, and ice cream! Oh, and anyone with a chocolate fountain gets some major points from me. Grad parties have been a wonderful opportunity for me to see friends who weren't in my graduating class, and to talk a bit about college and answer any questions. It's been lovely, but coming back and going to all these grad parties has made one thing painfully evident... how much of a difference a year makes.
We, meaning my graduating class and I, are in a completely and totally different phase of life than just a year ago. I don't necessarily believe it's an issue of drifting apart, but everyone is off doing their own thing, living their own lives. I expected to see certain people, and I didn't. In some ways the grad party ushers in this phase of consciously removing yourself from a group state of mind and basing your decisions on yourself and what you need.
I always say that leaving my hometown for college was one of the best decisions I ever made. I will always stand by that statement, because I didn't compromise my happiness for ease. To their credit, I believe all my graduating friends have understood the importance of doing what's right for them and have acted accordingly. I'm proud of all of them. I think the summer before you leave for college is the best and worst possible. You do whatever you can to have as much fun as possible, but the impending separation is too tangible to ignore.
It may be painful, but it can also be exciting and wonderful at the same time. I guess a lot of changes in life are like that...
Be well, stay cool.
All my love,
Megan
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
When Life Gives You Lemons...
Woah Readers, woah. I know I haven't blogged since the last days of college, and I know it's been FOREVER, (literally it has been over a month) but I needed some time to relax and not blog and the time has also let the epicness accumulate so there's more excitement for you to come back to when I finally decided enough was enough. Here we are, June 12th, and My Epic Life is officially off hiatus.
You know the saying, "When life gives you lemons make lemonade" right? Who doesn't know that saying? Long story short, I take it to mean something like, "When life gives you an opportunity, take it and do something good with it." Well, about three weeks ago, life gave me lemons. Here's the story:
So I had been going to church with Nicole (the mastermind behind Dorm Room 718) almost every Sunday ever since the beginning of the school year. I think the first time I went was in October? Anyways, I got to know people there and soon I had a church family. I didn't really see that coming, but I figured I would just go with whatever happened.
Throughout the entire year I kept hearing about this July trip to New Orleans for the ELCA National Youth Gathering and thought, "Hey cool, I can't wait to hear about it in the fall when I see people again." Now here's where the lemons come in. On May 23rd, Nicole told me they had someone drop out and people wanted to know if I would consider filling the slot as an adult leader. *CUE FREAKOUT*
After losing WAY too much sleep over it, I said yes on June 5th and here I am, trying to mentally and physically prepare for an intense 11 day trip in July. It all feels a bit surreal, like I never imagined I would be doing something like this or taking such an opportunity despite the financial strain. At the expense of my dignity, I will use the acronym YOLO just this one time.
I'm feeling overwhelmed... this is like, SO MANY BUCKET LIST ITEMS BEING CROSSED OFF AT ONCE! Here are some of the things I'm excited for:
1. I get to lead amazing kids and hopefully be the most epic leader with the most epic discussions ever. If I remove my playful side for a second, it means I get to do my best to help them learn from each other, learn from themselves, and learn from me. As an added bonus, I get to learn from them as well.
2. I might get to see my old roommate who lives in Omaha, NE
3. Seeing Switchfoot in concert and all the events at the Superdome in NO.
4. Getting to see the cities of St. Louis, Memphis, New Orleans, and Kansas City, and see states new to me which include the following: Nebraska, Kansas (if we drive through it), Missouri, Tennessee, Mississippi, Alabama, Louisiana, and Arkansas.
4. Just plain traveling and all the shenanigans that'll be happening. Oh, and did I mention I get to go to the Civil Rights Museum, French Quarter, Beale Steet, and go on a swamp tour? EPIC!!!
As you can see, my life has taken a turn for the even more epic. I'm sure more blog entries about NOLA are to follow. I'm so excited, and suuuper nervous at the same time. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go pinch myself repeatedly.
I send ALL the love! Be epic and be well.
-Megan
You know the saying, "When life gives you lemons make lemonade" right? Who doesn't know that saying? Long story short, I take it to mean something like, "When life gives you an opportunity, take it and do something good with it." Well, about three weeks ago, life gave me lemons. Here's the story:
So I had been going to church with Nicole (the mastermind behind Dorm Room 718) almost every Sunday ever since the beginning of the school year. I think the first time I went was in October? Anyways, I got to know people there and soon I had a church family. I didn't really see that coming, but I figured I would just go with whatever happened.
Throughout the entire year I kept hearing about this July trip to New Orleans for the ELCA National Youth Gathering and thought, "Hey cool, I can't wait to hear about it in the fall when I see people again." Now here's where the lemons come in. On May 23rd, Nicole told me they had someone drop out and people wanted to know if I would consider filling the slot as an adult leader. *CUE FREAKOUT*
After losing WAY too much sleep over it, I said yes on June 5th and here I am, trying to mentally and physically prepare for an intense 11 day trip in July. It all feels a bit surreal, like I never imagined I would be doing something like this or taking such an opportunity despite the financial strain. At the expense of my dignity, I will use the acronym YOLO just this one time.
I'm feeling overwhelmed... this is like, SO MANY BUCKET LIST ITEMS BEING CROSSED OFF AT ONCE! Here are some of the things I'm excited for:
1. I get to lead amazing kids and hopefully be the most epic leader with the most epic discussions ever. If I remove my playful side for a second, it means I get to do my best to help them learn from each other, learn from themselves, and learn from me. As an added bonus, I get to learn from them as well.
2. I might get to see my old roommate who lives in Omaha, NE
3. Seeing Switchfoot in concert and all the events at the Superdome in NO.
4. Getting to see the cities of St. Louis, Memphis, New Orleans, and Kansas City, and see states new to me which include the following: Nebraska, Kansas (if we drive through it), Missouri, Tennessee, Mississippi, Alabama, Louisiana, and Arkansas.
4. Just plain traveling and all the shenanigans that'll be happening. Oh, and did I mention I get to go to the Civil Rights Museum, French Quarter, Beale Steet, and go on a swamp tour? EPIC!!!
As you can see, my life has taken a turn for the even more epic. I'm sure more blog entries about NOLA are to follow. I'm so excited, and suuuper nervous at the same time. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go pinch myself repeatedly.
I send ALL the love! Be epic and be well.
-Megan
Monday, April 30, 2012
A Good Kind of Pain
Reader, I'm procrastinating on a philosophy take-home final that I've discovered will take me forever. Not joking. 6 hardcore essay questions worth 50 points each. It counts for 25% of my class grade. I wish that was all I had to worry about, but unfortunately I have a Sociology exam and Cognitive Psych final to worry about before I make my journey home on Saturday.
I've been dealing with a bit of pain all day. I slept fine, and didn't get too bruised up from taking down my loft and putting the bunk back up--no this isn't anything like that. This is heartache, complete and utter heartache. With how busy we've been over the last three weeks, there's been no time to simply let the facts sink in. This is all coming to a sudden and abrupt end whether we feel ready for it or not, and believe me, I don't feel ready for it. At all. Crap... here come the teary eyes.
As much as this hurts, I'm so glad it does. I sometimes disagree with the old cliché "No pain, no gain" but this is a good pain, such a good pain. My heart is aching in the most wonderful way because it means I don't want to leave, that I have found a home here. It means that all of this, and I mean ALL of this feels right. I ache because of memories, because I won't laugh until I cry nearly as often. Usually, pain means something is wrong, and in this case it means that something right is coming to an end. It's perhaps, the absence of what is right.
There are horror stories out there where individuals experience maladaptive pain reception/response and their lives are a constant struggle of self-awareness to figure out if anything is wrong. Parents of these individuals often say they'd give anything for their child to feel pain. Like I said, this pain means something good is changing, and that's not to say summer will be bad, but here has become home and leaving home is always so bittersweet...
It's like, do you ever feel like the pieces are starting to fall into place, even if you can't quite tell what the end result will be? That's how I feel. I'm practically giddy with the feeling that we're hurling towards something good. I just don't know what it'll be yet. All I know is that I get that feeling here. I've never laughed so hard for so long, nor have I felt such a sense of solidarity and belonging like I do in certain situations being here has allowed me to experience.
As I type this, there's a rabbit sitting 3 feet outside my window... it's munching on the most tender dandelions, but it's chewing well over a mile a minute and often freezes. I just want it to relax. I want it to slow down and take a look around and appreciate this moment, to know that it's all going to be okay. The trees on campus are in full bloom and the scent is breathtaking, literal in more ways than one, but the allergies are totally worth the beauty.
Even though it is finals week and I'm procrastinating on the philosophy final, life is good. This pain is good. Ripping apart the web that has formed here is good, because like muscles, these connections only grow stronger by being shredded and allowed to repair. Time will ease the pain to be sure, but I can't wait for next year.
Good things come to an end. Luckily for us this isn't the end, just a long, long rest.
This song feels like an accurate summary of my life in this very moment, both the joy of returning home to see my one family, both blood related and otherwise, as well as the pain of leaving my family here. I'll miss them, and you can bet I'll be playing this song in the weeks before school starts up again. It's also the first song on Concordia's Beat, a CD that features student performers. Personally the version on the CD is better. :P
Love life, be brave, understand that pain is not forever, nor is it always a bad thing.
-Megan
I've been dealing with a bit of pain all day. I slept fine, and didn't get too bruised up from taking down my loft and putting the bunk back up--no this isn't anything like that. This is heartache, complete and utter heartache. With how busy we've been over the last three weeks, there's been no time to simply let the facts sink in. This is all coming to a sudden and abrupt end whether we feel ready for it or not, and believe me, I don't feel ready for it. At all. Crap... here come the teary eyes.
As much as this hurts, I'm so glad it does. I sometimes disagree with the old cliché "No pain, no gain" but this is a good pain, such a good pain. My heart is aching in the most wonderful way because it means I don't want to leave, that I have found a home here. It means that all of this, and I mean ALL of this feels right. I ache because of memories, because I won't laugh until I cry nearly as often. Usually, pain means something is wrong, and in this case it means that something right is coming to an end. It's perhaps, the absence of what is right.
There are horror stories out there where individuals experience maladaptive pain reception/response and their lives are a constant struggle of self-awareness to figure out if anything is wrong. Parents of these individuals often say they'd give anything for their child to feel pain. Like I said, this pain means something good is changing, and that's not to say summer will be bad, but here has become home and leaving home is always so bittersweet...
It's like, do you ever feel like the pieces are starting to fall into place, even if you can't quite tell what the end result will be? That's how I feel. I'm practically giddy with the feeling that we're hurling towards something good. I just don't know what it'll be yet. All I know is that I get that feeling here. I've never laughed so hard for so long, nor have I felt such a sense of solidarity and belonging like I do in certain situations being here has allowed me to experience.
As I type this, there's a rabbit sitting 3 feet outside my window... it's munching on the most tender dandelions, but it's chewing well over a mile a minute and often freezes. I just want it to relax. I want it to slow down and take a look around and appreciate this moment, to know that it's all going to be okay. The trees on campus are in full bloom and the scent is breathtaking, literal in more ways than one, but the allergies are totally worth the beauty.
Even though it is finals week and I'm procrastinating on the philosophy final, life is good. This pain is good. Ripping apart the web that has formed here is good, because like muscles, these connections only grow stronger by being shredded and allowed to repair. Time will ease the pain to be sure, but I can't wait for next year.
Good things come to an end. Luckily for us this isn't the end, just a long, long rest.
This song feels like an accurate summary of my life in this very moment, both the joy of returning home to see my one family, both blood related and otherwise, as well as the pain of leaving my family here. I'll miss them, and you can bet I'll be playing this song in the weeks before school starts up again. It's also the first song on Concordia's Beat, a CD that features student performers. Personally the version on the CD is better. :P
Love life, be brave, understand that pain is not forever, nor is it always a bad thing.
-Megan
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Mini Heart Attack
Hiya Reader,
I hope you're well, I'm crashing a college lounge before my sociology class. Love the professor but not a huge fan of some of the subject matter as of late.
So when someone mentions an epic life, what comes to mind is typically a lot of really big, really intense events, like skydiving or going on a safari, or having a celebrity friend or something. I would challenge that an epic life is really just a bunch of nice little occurrences that build up over time or remain somewhat constant. They're just those little life moments that make you realize you can catch a break once in a while.
Case in point, those little mini heart attacks that turn out to be false alarms. You all know what I'm talking about, that instant rush of adrenaline when you're heart speeds out of control after you miss a step, after someone says "Can I ask you something?" and perhaps the most devastating of all the mini heart attacks, the misreading of the alarm clock.
See, I rarely sleep through the night, so when I wake up I always check the clock to see how much time I have left. I wake up anytime between 2 and 7 usually and have my alarm set for 7:30, though rarely do I roll out of bed until 7:45 if not later. Last night I woke up at precisely 5:59, and I'm not quite sure what I was seeing, but I saw 9:59, and my first class starts at 10:30. Cue mini heart attack. Eventually I got my sight back and breathed a sigh of relief before going back to bed for another two hours. You would have thought the fact that my room was still fairly pitch black would have been a good clue...
My point is that sometimes you catch breaks, and that mini heart attack was really just an overreaction or misinterpretation. Heck, sometimes you even get two more hours to lay back and relax.
Be well, be epic, and have a wonderful week.
-Megan
I hope you're well, I'm crashing a college lounge before my sociology class. Love the professor but not a huge fan of some of the subject matter as of late.
So when someone mentions an epic life, what comes to mind is typically a lot of really big, really intense events, like skydiving or going on a safari, or having a celebrity friend or something. I would challenge that an epic life is really just a bunch of nice little occurrences that build up over time or remain somewhat constant. They're just those little life moments that make you realize you can catch a break once in a while.
Case in point, those little mini heart attacks that turn out to be false alarms. You all know what I'm talking about, that instant rush of adrenaline when you're heart speeds out of control after you miss a step, after someone says "Can I ask you something?" and perhaps the most devastating of all the mini heart attacks, the misreading of the alarm clock.
See, I rarely sleep through the night, so when I wake up I always check the clock to see how much time I have left. I wake up anytime between 2 and 7 usually and have my alarm set for 7:30, though rarely do I roll out of bed until 7:45 if not later. Last night I woke up at precisely 5:59, and I'm not quite sure what I was seeing, but I saw 9:59, and my first class starts at 10:30. Cue mini heart attack. Eventually I got my sight back and breathed a sigh of relief before going back to bed for another two hours. You would have thought the fact that my room was still fairly pitch black would have been a good clue...
My point is that sometimes you catch breaks, and that mini heart attack was really just an overreaction or misinterpretation. Heck, sometimes you even get two more hours to lay back and relax.
Be well, be epic, and have a wonderful week.
-Megan
Sunday, April 15, 2012
End of the Road
Hello Reader,
May your Sunday be lazy, but not rainy as mine seems to be. I can hear the constant dripping of water outside my window and perhaps needless to say... I'm keeping the curtain closed.
My college is wrapping up their presentation of Camino Real by Tennessee Williams with their final performance today. Camino Real means "end of the road" and that's precisely where we, mostly I, find myself today.
The academic year is almost over. I'll have to commence a furious search for full-time employment within the next couple weeks. I'll have to pack up my life and leave my new home to go back to a place that now feels less like home and more like a vacation destination. Lovely to be at, and comfortable to be sure, but no where I really want to live...
One can approach this end of the road with celebration, fear, cautious optimism, melancholic moping--the kind that makes you lapse into thunderous applause and numerous pats on the back when you realize you had the guts to drag your sorry butt out of bed--or they can approach it with all of those reactions previously listed, as I seem to have been doing in a vicious cycle over the last week or so.
The fact remains... this is it. This is the curtain call on this particular play, this particular year in my (mostly epic) life, but good thing there is ample evidence of its existence. Good thing our year has been documented, both digitally, and with not so carefully written letters, almost too numerous to count. There's the facebook statuses, the tweets, the tumblr posts, the BLOGS--100 posts now on Dorm Room 718, and of course, our memories that we shouldn't necessarily discount. Oh, and the folded ticket stubs carefully tucked away in my wallet. This roller coaster has left its mark quite visibly on a number of mediums, including human hearts.
Was it good? Bad? Horrible? EPIC?! Hindsight will be 20/20, but it's been all of it.
Now this isn't the last post of the school year by any means, but know that it's winding down, speeding up, and doing everything in between.
Let's resolve to let the epicness continue.
-Megan
May your Sunday be lazy, but not rainy as mine seems to be. I can hear the constant dripping of water outside my window and perhaps needless to say... I'm keeping the curtain closed.
My college is wrapping up their presentation of Camino Real by Tennessee Williams with their final performance today. Camino Real means "end of the road" and that's precisely where we, mostly I, find myself today.
The academic year is almost over. I'll have to commence a furious search for full-time employment within the next couple weeks. I'll have to pack up my life and leave my new home to go back to a place that now feels less like home and more like a vacation destination. Lovely to be at, and comfortable to be sure, but no where I really want to live...
One can approach this end of the road with celebration, fear, cautious optimism, melancholic moping--the kind that makes you lapse into thunderous applause and numerous pats on the back when you realize you had the guts to drag your sorry butt out of bed--or they can approach it with all of those reactions previously listed, as I seem to have been doing in a vicious cycle over the last week or so.
The fact remains... this is it. This is the curtain call on this particular play, this particular year in my (mostly epic) life, but good thing there is ample evidence of its existence. Good thing our year has been documented, both digitally, and with not so carefully written letters, almost too numerous to count. There's the facebook statuses, the tweets, the tumblr posts, the BLOGS--100 posts now on Dorm Room 718, and of course, our memories that we shouldn't necessarily discount. Oh, and the folded ticket stubs carefully tucked away in my wallet. This roller coaster has left its mark quite visibly on a number of mediums, including human hearts.
Was it good? Bad? Horrible? EPIC?! Hindsight will be 20/20, but it's been all of it.
Now this isn't the last post of the school year by any means, but know that it's winding down, speeding up, and doing everything in between.
Let's resolve to let the epicness continue.
-Megan
Monday, April 9, 2012
Personal Experiment Completed!
Hi Reader,
I hope you had a wonderful Easter holiday!
A few weeks ago, in this post--> Personal Experiment I started my own personal experiment to see whether or not I could go the entire duration of Lent without eating meat. Essentially, I became a not-so-strict vegetarian. I am proud to say that I made it! I think I frustrated a few people with such an abrupt decision, but everyone complied even if they didn't know my logic or reasoning. I declared the experiment officially over and celebrated with ham yesterday. :P
The real goal of that decision wasn't really fueled by any desire to become a vegetarian. It was more like a personal challenge and a fun experiment that was spurned by a particularly long period of boredom and what felt like personal stagnation. Being vegetarian is really quite easy these days, especially on our college campus where everything is labeled as such. I do not envy younger or older vegetarians by any means, but that being said, I thought it would be more difficult. I really think mine was facilitated by the company I keep. It's, not surprisingly, easy to be vegetarian in the company of vegetarians. Do I see myself becoming full-fledged and long term in the future? Honestly, yes, I do. I just don't know if that's going to happen right now. Right now I just want some bacon.
So what did I learn? I learned that I really am capable of making life changes if I have the right type of motivation. I think I caught the experimental bug. I like to challenge myself and I'm beginning to realize that I'll learn the most and perhaps experience the most growth from challenges I impose on myself. So what should my next challenge be? Well, I definitely hope to do something over summer, whether that's write every day (not on the blog) or something else, but at least now I have some evidence that I can maintain a change.
I am so happy I did this.
Be epic, be well, and go experiment with your life.
-Megan
I hope you had a wonderful Easter holiday!
A few weeks ago, in this post--> Personal Experiment I started my own personal experiment to see whether or not I could go the entire duration of Lent without eating meat. Essentially, I became a not-so-strict vegetarian. I am proud to say that I made it! I think I frustrated a few people with such an abrupt decision, but everyone complied even if they didn't know my logic or reasoning. I declared the experiment officially over and celebrated with ham yesterday. :P
The real goal of that decision wasn't really fueled by any desire to become a vegetarian. It was more like a personal challenge and a fun experiment that was spurned by a particularly long period of boredom and what felt like personal stagnation. Being vegetarian is really quite easy these days, especially on our college campus where everything is labeled as such. I do not envy younger or older vegetarians by any means, but that being said, I thought it would be more difficult. I really think mine was facilitated by the company I keep. It's, not surprisingly, easy to be vegetarian in the company of vegetarians. Do I see myself becoming full-fledged and long term in the future? Honestly, yes, I do. I just don't know if that's going to happen right now. Right now I just want some bacon.
So what did I learn? I learned that I really am capable of making life changes if I have the right type of motivation. I think I caught the experimental bug. I like to challenge myself and I'm beginning to realize that I'll learn the most and perhaps experience the most growth from challenges I impose on myself. So what should my next challenge be? Well, I definitely hope to do something over summer, whether that's write every day (not on the blog) or something else, but at least now I have some evidence that I can maintain a change.
I am so happy I did this.
Be epic, be well, and go experiment with your life.
-Megan
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